Christmas and babies

This year for Christmas I only want one thing...IVF.  Sounds weird right?  I believe that our chance to have biological children lies in going through with IVF.  Matt and I had our consult yesterday and we are going ahead with IVF.  I'm not going to say when because it's a stressful enough event anyway...but I hope that it works for us!

The meeting consisted of our doctor going through the risks associated with IVF.  Some of the risks include ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, blood clot, birth defects, miscarriage, and that this won't work for us.  The birth defects are similar to the general population and really and truly something Matt and I are not concerned about.  We truly believe that if God blesses us with a child it will be a child that we are meant to have whether that be a child that is perfectly healthy or a child that is not.

I'm both nervous and excited that we are going ahead with this journey and it's taken a long time to be able to wrap my head around the fact that this might be our only chance to have biological children.  Since I'm not the healthiest of women I'm slightly more frightened than excited.  I watched my best friend go through IVF and it was difficult for her and emotional and all those things you go through when you feel like something is your last shot.

My hearts desire is to have my own biological children and I believe that God will answer my prayer!  I'm so excited for my break from all this for a little while to take care of my body, my mind, and my soul.  I feel like this break will help me prepare for the difficulty ahead!

Did I mention I pretty much gave up coffee?  Yeah, I gave up caffeine a few months ago and noticed that I sleep better in general...but with the addition of fertility meds for three months I gained 10lbs.  Not a big deal but, it's good to get myself off of extra calories that I don't need.  I had a small latte yesterday and otherwise have been drinking tea with honey (soooo good!).  So far, I feel less bloated :)

Ugh!

Over the last three years, well five really, I have gained weight.  Body image is a huge issue for me because well I don't know, it's just a huge issue!  I can try and try and try and yet nothing I do seems to bring the weight down.  I want to do exercise excessively to the point where I want to puke but never do because of the elusive 'what if I'm pregnant this month'. 

This month we were going to do our 4th IUI.  I started AF and called to make an appt with my RE's office.  I get to the office for an ultrasound and they find a cyst on my left ovary.  I'm not terribly concerned because I've had cysts before and they always resolve and we start the cycle with meds and what not.  This cyst is a bit different, it seems that this cyst was secreting hormones so cycle canceled.  At first I was a little sad because it meant a very unlikely chance that this cycle would be THE cycle and then I realized that I needed a mental break soooo badly that I wanted to cry!  So I went home and had a glass of wine, Qdoba, and went to bed early.  It was amazing.  So here I am waiting for this cycle to be over so I can start the next one and I got to thinking...maybe I should work on me a little bit.

Here is what working on me entails: allowing my mind to relax to the point where I can actually take care of me, working on my fitness which mean walking on the treadmill at least 3 times a week and actually doing the sit ups that I promise myself I will do everyday, this also means that I will be working on talking to God everyday.  This whole process of trying to become parents and miscarrying and being sad about my body image has made it very difficult to talk to God.  I feel like God has left me (I know this is not true because I know that God will never leave me...that if I feel alone it's because I have walked away from Him). 

So here goes, here's to working on ME!

Thanksgiving 2012

This year for Thanksgiving Matt and I did a first.  We spent it with Anna, Thomas, and Megan out in Seattle. 

We had a wonderful time and needed the time for rest and relaxation and no talk of having children.  After the past few months of fertility drugs, lots of ultrasounds, and three IUI's that were unsuccessful and all the emotions and tears that go with that I needed a break from anything related to children and fertility.  The thought of seeing my 7 nieces and nephews actually brought me to my knees in pain because I am the sister unable to conceive and I am the sister who was unable to carry a baby to term.  Now logically I understand that my family does not see me in this way but emotionally I do feel like a broken woman

For the 5 days that we were in Seattle there were no expectations for Matt or I on anything.  I didn't think about fertility or my lack of fertility as more than a passing thought each day.  My days were filled with coffee...lots and lots of decaf coffee, walking around Redmond, and discovering yummy places to eat.  There was lots of laughter and talk of the 'Skillman' similarities and talk of movies, and comics, and tv shows, and rain.  There was rain every day that we were there except for Thursday.  It was pure bliss!  My only regret was that I don't own any rainboots (something I will quickly remedy).  I have a thing where I don't like my feet to be wet or my head...but I love the feel of the rain on my face and the smell of the rain.  It makes everything smell so fresh!

All in all this was a wonderful trip and a trip we will hopefully be making soon!

I need a hero!

Or a miracle, one of the two.  I need to stop wishing for a baby so much because I don't know if it's actually going to happen.  I feel like I should hire a trainer because I am no longer comfortable in my own skin and no longer comfortable being me.

I'm at the end of yet another cycle that hasn't resulted in a baby and I'm weary oh so weary.  It's time to take control of my life and focus on something else for awhile.

Good news!!

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 2006.  At that time I wasn't looking at having a baby so I wasn't worried about the consequences of taking medicines to help the RA.  When Matt and I started this journey to become parents I knew that the medicine I was taking was considered safe while we were trying and safe while pregnant but until today I thought it was not safe for breastfeeding.  I was initially told that I could only be off the enbrel for 6 weeks postpartum to breastfeed and then had to go back on because RA can come back with a vengeance after pregnancy.  Today on one of the babycenter message boards (the RA board actually) there was a message about how enbrel is now considered safe while breastfeeding!  This means that I can breastfeed as long as I or baby wants to!!  I can't even begin to express how excited I am about this, my only prayer now is that I will indeed conceive a baby and that the enbrel will continue to work for me!

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a36372355/enbrel_while_bf_-_newgood_information_on_safety?cpg=1&csi=2395257082&pd=1

Sometimes dreams are painful!

Last night I had a wonderful and bittersweet dream.  I dreamt that my parents, brother's family, sister's family and all three of our dogs went out to Platte, SD to see Grandma.  When we got there Grandma welcomed us with very open arms and delicious caramel rolls and gingersnap cookies!  Then Charlie ran across the street to Grandma's neighbors house and I chased him around the house and finally caught him on the neighbors porch.  I brought him back to Grandma's house because it was Sunday and well...Sunday is church day!  We all took separate cars to  church and Matt and I rode with Grandma.  On her dash board it said 'remember that I will always love you'

We got to church (it took about 2 min because Platte is really small!) and all 16 of us took up an entire pew.

I remember the days of sitting in church next to Grandma and I woke up sad because I know it will be a little while until I get to see her again.

August 10th

One year ago I miscarried a baby that I believed was a boy.  That day was the most painful day of my life.  I remember going to the doctor knowing that I was bleeding and cramping and knowing that I was either in the process of miscarrying or had miscarried.  Matt and I went into the ultrasound room where our doctor (who didn't turn the screen away from me...and for that I have been very thankful!) looking inside my uterus, I looked at the screen and saw NOTHING.  There was NOTHING in my uterus.  The little baby I saw two weeks before was gone.  She hugged me and said she was sorry (she meant it!) and left me to get dressed.  She sent me to have HCG levels drawn to make sure that my body was going to return to normal.  At the time there was a lab in the same building so Matt and I went downstairs to the lab where I sat and cried.  The lab gal called me back, looked at the lab she needed to draw, saw my tears and figured out what was happening.  She was very kind and gentle with me and told me how sorry she was.

Matt and I went home and after lunch he went to his doctor's appointment and I went outside to water my flowers.  As I was out there I thought to myself, I need to go to the store, I don't have any pads and I need stamps!  I went back in the house, picked up my car keys and was going to go to the car when I panicked!  I was so frightened to go anywhere alone, so I waited for Matt to get home and we went to the store.  I remember feeling so ashamed and not 'safe'.  My body had failed me.  I couldn't talk to anyone that wasn't Matt, I couldn't talk to my mom, anyone in my family, any of my friends, and most importantly I couldn't talk to God.  I sent a text message to my mom and my best friend telling them that I had lost our baby and even as I typed the message I felt so much shame.

Matt stayed home with me for the rest of that day and the next day and then he went to work for a bit on Friday.  I called my mom because panic had started to set in, I was alone and didn't feel safe.  Mom told me that I was ok and to have Matt come home so I texted him and told him to please take me somewhere to do something so I could get out of the house, he came right home and we went to a mall down in Colorado.

I went back to work the following Monday and tried not to freak out.  About halfway through the day I was starting to panic and I asked my boss if I could go home to my Matt where it was safe.  She had been through a miscarriage when she was my age and kinda knew what I was going through.  She let me go home and I cried some more.  The next couple of weeks I found that I only felt 'safe' when I was with Matt.  If Matt wasn't near me, I started to panic.

Over the last year I have faced many milestones, 20 weeks, where we would've found out the sex of our baby, our first Thanksgiving where we would've had a baby bump to show off, Christmas, our due date, Mother's Day, Father's Day, the day I conceived, the day I found out I was pregnant, and now the day that I miscarried.  This last year has been both a physical struggle as we've tried to conceive again, the emotional struggle as my heart aches, and the spiritual struggle where I have really struggled to find God in this pain and to trust that God's plan is much better than what I ever imagined.

I don't know if children are in Matt and my future, I pray that they are.  I feel like God would not have put the desire in my heart to be a mother if I wasn't meant to have my own children.  I know that I have changed in this journey to become a parent and I know that it's not all for the better but I am thankful that God gave me a partner to travel this journey with who puts up with my sudden bursts of anger, joy,  anguish, and tears.

When I woke up this morning and thought about what today means, I found that as I looked back on the events of the day I felt a certain amount of sadness, but not the earth shattering sadness I felt last year.  I have prayed for healing and it's here.  I know that when I think of the day I miscarried I will always feel sad, but I see it as a sign of progress that I don't want to crawl in my bed and escape the world awhile.

I am a work in progress and I pray that God will continue to help me grow, even if I do fight every step along the way!

Things you shouldn't say to an infertile woman

Just a thought for those of you that may not know what to say...these are things that are super hurtful to women (me) with my comments


10 Things You Should Not Say to a Friend Experiencing Infertility 
1. Pregnant yet? If your friend is pregnant, she'll tell you when she's ready. Don't keep asking her how it's going. Let her tell you in her own time. (seriously?!? why would you ask me that?)
2. It could be worse. To a couple who wants children, it really can't be worse. (we've done worse already, feeling like less of a woman because I can't conceive a child is the worst I've ever felt)
3. Haven't you done enough? It is up to your friend to determine when enough is enough. (really?!? who are you God?)
4. Focus on the other parts of your life. This is really tough for a woman with infertility problems to do. For some women, her desire for a child becomes her life. (what other part of my life? I've wanted to be a mother since I was 14 years old)
5. Think of all the fun things you can do if you don't have children. If the couple didn't want children, they would not be going to the trouble they are to have them. (ummm...really? insensitive much?)
6. How much is this costing you? This is none of your business! (how much is your mortgage, how much did you pay for that crappy haircut, really how RUDE!)
7. Are you sure you chose the best doctor? Don't question your friend's medical choice unless she asks your opinion. (who are you to determine that? At least I'm a nurse!)
8. Just relax. Infertility is a medical condition, not a psychological one. (Relax?  pretty sure sperm has to meet egg, that's a pretty intense process and that has to be some sort of activity that precedes sperm meeting egg)
9. You can always adopt. The couple already knows this. They are going through the expense and trouble of infertility treatments because that is the path they have chosen. At some point they may consider adoption, but not now. (so because we're having trouble having a baby that means that we don't deserve to have a biological child of our own?)
10. When my friend couldn't get pregnant... Your friend doesn't need to hear what worked for other people. Her efforts to conceive are hers alone. (don't care what your friend did, did she have Hashimoto's disease, endometriosis, and Rheumatoid arthritis?  didn't think so, whatever it is, I've probably tried it anyway)


http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/10-things-never-friend-coping-infertility-192700548.html

Starting another cycle and feeling rather down

I was so hopeful that it would be our turn!  We had some amazing 'practice' sessions, my body seems to be working much better now and I was so relaxed through this cycle.

I don't feel as disappointed as I did last month, but I still feel like crying and still wish that I was in fact carrying Matt's kiddo.

July 14th

This is a day I remember well.  I was just getting up for the day, realized that I was one day late and thought to myself I wonder if I'm pregnant.  Probably not, for the last 18 months I have taken pregnancy tests and they have always been negative so I got up, went to the bathroom and didn't test.  I ended up falling back asleep and had a dream that I would have a positive pregnancy test, I woke up shortly after that and decided to try it.  Now you're supposed to have at least a 4 hour hold before you use a home pregnancy test and I think I had maybe an hour.  I got up, took out a pregnancy test pee on it and slowly watch the two pink lines show up.  I'm pretty sure the first words out of my mouth were 'oh shit'.  I tried calling Matt to have him come home and he guessed right away.  He ended up coming over to the OR as I was getting to work so he could hug me and see how I was doing.  I called my mom and my dad and told them and they were so excited!  I remember even at the time something just didn't feel right and I thought it was just because I had never been pregnant before.  Turns out my instincts are rarely wrong and I just need to listen to them more often!

This year on this day I got up, thought to myself it's too early to test and see if I am pregnant or not and then Matt and I went down to Boulder to shop for a bit.  I don't feel bitter anymore, just sad.  My prayer is always that God will bless us with a baby that we can take home and raise.

Our sermon this morning was on rest, do you find your rest in God or are you constantly trying to do just one more thing because you think it will make God happy?  I remember after I miscarried that I couldn't find rest and I couldn't talk to God because I was so sad, I felt like a zombie going through the motions and waiting for the pain to stop.  It has taken me several months to learn how to cry out to God and pour out myself at His feet, but here I am just a week past ovulation crying out to God praying that our timing this month was good and that in a few days He will bless us with good news.

"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

On this day

On this day one year ago I conceived a son that I carried for 8 weeks.  I found out shortly after my birthday (my most favorite day of the year) that I was indeed pregnant.  This year on this day I find out that I am indeed not pregnant...again for the 25th month.  I watch my friends get pregnant fairly easily and wonder what's wrong with me?  Why don't I get to carry a baby to term and hold them in my arms?  What did I do wrong?  Do I not pray hard enough?  Do my tears mean nothing to God?  Am I failing some sort of test that God is putting me through?  Do I need to give up this dream of being a mother?  I don't know the answers to any of those questions but what I know is this...I'm struggling to have faith in God right now and I don't know what to do.  I cry out to God because my heart hurts so much and pray for healing and it doesn't come.  I cry out and pray for answers and they don't come.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong, why my prayers seem to go no where and why this pain just won't leave.

I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year, I don't want to do anything anymore.  I am so sad and no one really understands.  All of my friends here are either pregnant or have children.  Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be excited when yet another friend tells you that they are pregnant and then to watch their belly grow knowing as you look down at your own that there is nothing in there

Mother's Day

This year on Mother's Day I was supposed to be holding my son and celebrating my first Mother's Day.  Well not this year I guess :(  This year on Mother's Day I will be celebrating my mother, my sister, my sister-in-law, and my living grandmother and the grandmother I miss so much.

Today I received a wonderful card from a dear friend telling me that she is praying for me this Mother's Day and even though I don't get to hold my son it doesn't make me any less of a mother.  I can't express how much that card meant to me.  I don't feel much like a mother, I feel like I try and try and still nothing happens.

My prayer for myself is that I would find peace with what God wants for me.  That if not carrying my own children is part of God's plan that I would be ok with that and that if being a mother is not in God's will that I will be ok with that too.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers whether you have carried babies only for a little while and hold those babies in your heart or you are blessed to carry those babies in your arms.

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake him off...

-Florence and the Machine

There are days when you feel as if someone is sitting on your shoulder making everything go wrong for you.  No matter what you do it seems as if everything is going wrong.  Well that was my week last week. No matter what I did everything was wrong.  I heard this song and thought to myself, how true, when the devil is on your back...it's so hard to dance so shake him off!

Our sermon yesterday was about praising God through your storm and even though last week felt like a storm it's nothing compared to what some people encounter everyday.  I shook off the devil and I danced today and I praised God for being able to 'dance' through the storm.

As I am going through this journey of becoming of mommy there are days when I feel like no matter what I do I will never be able to shake off the devil and finally 'dance' as a mommy.  I feel in my heart of hearts that being a mommy is God's will for me but that it's just going to be in God's time and not when I think it should happen.  That PATIENCE word again...ugh!

Here goes nothing, here's to another cycle where once again Matt and I 'practice' because as you know, practice makes perfect :)

Keep Practicing

I got a phone call from my brother today, he was telling me about how a patient's wife that he's treating came in and they were visiting a bit after her husband's session well it turns out that she has RA too!  She also had trouble conceiving and now has two healthy boys.  He says, 'I hope you see this as a story of hope, keep practicing'.

I feel so blessed that my family is praying for Matt and I as we walk along this journey of trying to have a baby.  I never dreamed that it would be so difficult or so painful, but God made me a fighter and until God closes all the doors for Matt and I to be parents we will pursue and continue exploring all of our options to have children.  Today I feel more hope than I have in a long time that God will bless us with children and until the time comes we'll just 'keep practicing' and enjoying each other!

Infertility Awareness and Infertility Etiquette

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

This week is National Infertility Awareness week.  There are so many couple who have difficulty getting pregnant.  I don't know how many people actually read my blog, but I hope that this will give you some insight as to the emotional roller coaster that a lot of couples go through as they are trying to conceive.  This is often a very painful and very emotional journey for couples and I hope to make more people aware of this struggle so people can be more sensitive and supportive instead of saying stupid things like 'just relax, it will happen'  While we are on the topic here is a website about infertility etiquette.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

It is well

On my wedding day I asked for the song 'It is Well' to be played as our recessional.  I gave my reasoning at the time as this, no matter what happens in our married life IT IS WELL with my soul.

Those words have been so true these past few months as we said goodbye to our first born son in August.  Even as my arms ache to hold our son and I feel like I will never be the same IT IS WELL with my soul.

IT IS WELL with my soul that Matt and I have struggled to have a baby
IT IS WELL with my soul that I lost a son.
IT IS WELL with my soul that I have not one but three autoimmune diseases
IT IS WELL with my soul that right after Matt and I got married he lost him job
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am blessed to have Matt as my husband
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am content to wait for God's timing
IT IS WELL with my soul that my body hates me some days
IT IS WELL with my soul that I have a job I love
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am who I am.  I believe fully that God made me to be who I am right now.

Matt and I have faced many challenges in our short marriage, some big challenges and some fairly minor, but through everything we have stood on the firm foundation of God.

I am learning to feel content with who I am and what God is teaching me.  I'm not a great student, but if you hit me in the head often enough I tend to pay attention.  Right now I am frustrated with how long it is taking me to heal from my surgery, but I know that my body just takes a little longer than the average person and I know that God will bless Matt and I with a child whether that be a child that I carry below my heart or a child that God places in our lives for Matt and I to love.

Progress

On March 14 Matt and I went to the reproductive endocrinologist to discuss possible reasons why it's been two years with one pregnancy and one miscarriage. During that appt. he asked lots of questions about my cycle and from that he determined that feeling like I want to vomit every time that I start my cycle wasn't normal. Huh, I've been like that almost every month since I started my cycle when I was 12 and thought I was just unlucky. It did get better when I was on birth control and the surprisingly it was better once I started on Enbrel for my RA. So he suggested that maybe taking a look inside my belly would be a good idea.

On April 9th he went in and looked at my belly and found endometriosis. He used a CO2 laser to get rid of the endometriosis and then blew out my tubes and scraped the lining of my uterus to see if maybe I had an infection from my miscarriage. So here I am stuck at home for a couple weeks and getting a little bored.

I have struggled with the idea of not mentioning that Matt and I are struggling to have a baby and I thought to myself that you know what, this is really a part of my life and it's really a struggle. Getting pregnant last year was a miracle and losing the baby was devastating. I've been trying to 'get over' my loss ever since that day where I saw nothing on that ultrasound.

I've asked God why, why did He take this baby from me, why did He give me a pregnancy only to take our son before we had a chance to meet him. I've asked God why it took so long to get pregnant the first time and why it's been 8 months since we lost our son and we haven't been able to get pregnant again. Why I had to have surgery and take a month off of actively trying to get pregnant. The answer I keep hearing in my head is 'It's not time, your time will come, trust in Me that I will give you the baby you so desire'

The words my father used to say to me when I was a small 'Patience child' are really coming back to haunt me. Ugh! Patience is a virtue that I really don't have. While I was pregnant I prayed that God would give me patience so that when our baby was born I would have the kind of patience a mother needs to care for her newborn and raise that baby without being quick to anger. I guess when I was talking to God about having enough patience for our baby so He took our son home because I wasn't ready.

I pray that I will be ready when God blesses me with another pregnancy. That I will be able to be the mother that our baby needs and that I will find joy in every stage of my child's life from conception to birth and beyond.

This TWW blows!

This week sucks! The first half of the two week window is always alright and now I question every little thing my body does that might be different than last month.

I had cramping in my uterus from 7dpo-9dpo and then today my pelvis feels like I have done a ton of sit ups. I'm so tired of over thinking everything! I questions if I tested at the right time for the opk's to trigger, I questioned if we had sex on the right days to catch the egg, and I question if I will ever get pregnant again.

I have wanted to be a mommy since I was 12 years old. I don't know what else to be, I know that I'm good at my job, but I want to be more. I want to be the person that when my child hears my voice they calm down and know that I'm his/her mommy. I want to be the person to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my child because they had a bad dream. I want to kiss boo boo's, I want to cry on his/her first day of school. I want to be the proud mama when my kiddo is on the honor roll. I want to celebrate when they get into the college they want. I want to celebrate when they get engaged. I want to see my parents hold my children and see the love in their eyes for my children like I see in their eyes when they hold my sister's and brother's kids.

My TWW

So far in my TWW I have accomplished two things. I have tried two new recipes! The first recipe was: Crab Rangoon Dip

http://www.recklessabandoncook.com/2011/03/crab-rangoon-dip.html

It was alright, I would change a couple things. First I would only add a touch of powdered sugar and double the garlic and it needs a touch of spice. Nothing I had in my cupboard smelled right.

I made my second of three new recipes tonight.

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/09/skinny-baked-broccoli-macaroni-and.html

It's currently in the oven now and smells wonderful! I'm so excited, I've been trying to eat healthier for awhile now but I don't like salads and I wish that I did.

Ah yes, the TWW

So the time comes again where I am in the two week window. The time between ovulation and that hopefully positive pregnancy test. I find myself getting excited over every twinge in my pelvis and every symptom that could be pregnancy.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed when my unwanted friend shows up. So this month I'm trying something different. I'm going to start myself a Bible study. I went to the Christian book store today and got a new devotional! Proverbs 31 woman. I so want to be the 'perfect' wife for Matt because well...he super cute and I'm a lucky girl to have him. So here goes...here's to two weeks filled with God's presence and hopefully a positive pregnancy test and healthy pregnancy.

Here is my goal list for this two week window:

1. Start new Bible study

2. Finish my blanket

3. Exercise at least 3-5 days a week for 30 min.

4. Find at three new recipes to try

5. Clean house!

Heartbreak

Today marks 6 months since I miscarried our son.  Today is also would have been my grandmothers 93rd birthday.  I am finding today that I wish I could just talk to Grandma for 10 minutes.  Just to hear her say, 'It's going to be alright'.  I know in my head that God will always provide for my needs and I trust that that is true.  My heart is taking a little longer to catch up though.  Today as I was driving back from Ft. Collins I was listening to two songs and tears came to my eyes as I heard God's promises through them.  The first song was 'I Will Rise' by Chris Tomlin.  I'm not a Chris Tomlin fan but I love this song.


This is the chorus:
And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise 


Some day when I get to heaven there will be no more sorrow and no more pain.  I will have a new shiny body that doesn't hurt and doesn't swell and I will meet my son.  Until then I have the promise to stand on.


The other song I was listening to was 'Praise You in This Storm' by Casting Crowns.  I loved this song when it first came out, but after my miscarriage this song took on a whole new meaning.


I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

This song reminds me that even when I am in the midst of a storm, God is still with me.  Even when I feel like God has left me He's with me and I CAN praise Him through this storm and I CAN lift my hands because He has never left me.