Keep Practicing

April 30, 2012

I got a phone call from my brother today, he was telling me about how a patient's wife that he's treating came in and they were visiting a bit after her husband's session well it turns out that she has RA too!  She also had trouble conceiving and now has two healthy boys.  He says, 'I hope you see this as a story of hope, keep practicing'.

I feel so blessed that my family is praying for Matt and I as we walk along this journey of trying to have a baby.  I never dreamed that it would be so difficult or so painful, but God made me a fighter and until God closes all the doors for Matt and I to be parents we will pursue and continue exploring all of our options to have children.  Today I feel more hope than I have in a long time that God will bless us with children and until the time comes we'll just 'keep practicing' and enjoying each other!

Infertility Awareness and Infertility Etiquette

April 23, 2012

This week is National Infertility Awareness week.  There are so many couple who have difficulty getting pregnant.  I don't know how many people actually read my blog, but I hope that this will give you some insight as to the emotional roller coaster that a lot of couples go through as they are trying to conceive.  This is often a very painful and very emotional journey for couples and I hope to make more people aware of this struggle so people can be more sensitive and supportive instead of saying stupid things like 'just relax, it will happen'  While we are on the topic here is a website about infertility etiquette.

It is well

April 23, 2012

On my wedding day I asked for the song 'It is Well' to be played as our recessional.  I gave my reasoning at the time as this, no matter what happens in our married life IT IS WELL with my soul.

Those words have been so true these past few months as we said goodbye to our first born son in August.  Even as my arms ache to hold our son and I feel like I will never be the same IT IS WELL with my soul.

IT IS WELL with my soul that Matt and I have struggled to have a baby
IT IS WELL with my soul that I lost a son.
IT IS WELL with my soul that I have not one but three autoimmune diseases
IT IS WELL with my soul that right after Matt and I got married he lost him job
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am blessed to have Matt as my husband
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am content to wait for God's timing
IT IS WELL with my soul that my body hates me some days
IT IS WELL with my soul that I have a job I love
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am who I am.  I believe fully that God made me to be who I am right now.

Matt and I have faced many challenges in our short marriage, some big challenges and some fairly minor, but through everything we have stood on the firm foundation of God.

I am learning to feel content with who I am and what God is teaching me.  I'm not a great student, but if you hit me in the head often enough I tend to pay attention.  Right now I am frustrated with how long it is taking me to heal from my surgery, but I know that my body just takes a little longer than the average person and I know that God will bless Matt and I with a child whether that be a child that I carry below my heart or a child that God places in our lives for Matt and I to love.


April 17, 2012

On March 14 Matt and I went to the reproductive endocrinologist to discuss possible reasons why it's been two years with one pregnancy and one miscarriage. During that appt. he asked lots of questions about my cycle and from that he determined that feeling like I want to vomit every time that I start my cycle wasn't normal. Huh, I've been like that almost every month since I started my cycle when I was 12 and thought I was just unlucky. It did get better when I was on birth control and the surprisingly it was better once I started on Enbrel for my RA. So he suggested that maybe taking a look inside my belly would be a good idea.

On April 9th he went in and looked at my belly and found endometriosis. He used a CO2 laser to get rid of the endometriosis and then blew out my tubes and scraped the lining of my uterus to see if maybe I had an infection from my miscarriage. So here I am stuck at home for a couple weeks and getting a little bored.

I have struggled with the idea of not mentioning that Matt and I are struggling to have a baby and I thought to myself that you know what, this is really a part of my life and it's really a struggle. Getting pregnant last year was a miracle and losing the baby was devastating. I've been trying to 'get over' my loss ever since that day where I saw nothing on that ultrasound.

I've asked God why, why did He take this baby from me, why did He give me a pregnancy only to take our son before we had a chance to meet him. I've asked God why it took so long to get pregnant the first time and why it's been 8 months since we lost our son and we haven't been able to get pregnant again. Why I had to have surgery and take a month off of actively trying to get pregnant. The answer I keep hearing in my head is 'It's not time, your time will come, trust in Me that I will give you the baby you so desire'

The words my father used to say to me when I was a small 'Patience child' are really coming back to haunt me. Ugh! Patience is a virtue that I really don't have. While I was pregnant I prayed that God would give me patience so that when our baby was born I would have the kind of patience a mother needs to care for her newborn and raise that baby without being quick to anger. I guess when I was talking to God about having enough patience for our baby so He took our son home because I wasn't ready.

I pray that I will be ready when God blesses me with another pregnancy. That I will be able to be the mother that our baby needs and that I will find joy in every stage of my child's life from conception to birth and beyond.
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