April 17, 2012

On March 14 Matt and I went to the reproductive endocrinologist to discuss possible reasons why it's been two years with one pregnancy and one miscarriage. During that appt. he asked lots of questions about my cycle and from that he determined that feeling like I want to vomit every time that I start my cycle wasn't normal. Huh, I've been like that almost every month since I started my cycle when I was 12 and thought I was just unlucky. It did get better when I was on birth control and the surprisingly it was better once I started on Enbrel for my RA. So he suggested that maybe taking a look inside my belly would be a good idea.

On April 9th he went in and looked at my belly and found endometriosis. He used a CO2 laser to get rid of the endometriosis and then blew out my tubes and scraped the lining of my uterus to see if maybe I had an infection from my miscarriage. So here I am stuck at home for a couple weeks and getting a little bored.

I have struggled with the idea of not mentioning that Matt and I are struggling to have a baby and I thought to myself that you know what, this is really a part of my life and it's really a struggle. Getting pregnant last year was a miracle and losing the baby was devastating. I've been trying to 'get over' my loss ever since that day where I saw nothing on that ultrasound.

I've asked God why, why did He take this baby from me, why did He give me a pregnancy only to take our son before we had a chance to meet him. I've asked God why it took so long to get pregnant the first time and why it's been 8 months since we lost our son and we haven't been able to get pregnant again. Why I had to have surgery and take a month off of actively trying to get pregnant. The answer I keep hearing in my head is 'It's not time, your time will come, trust in Me that I will give you the baby you so desire'

The words my father used to say to me when I was a small 'Patience child' are really coming back to haunt me. Ugh! Patience is a virtue that I really don't have. While I was pregnant I prayed that God would give me patience so that when our baby was born I would have the kind of patience a mother needs to care for her newborn and raise that baby without being quick to anger. I guess when I was talking to God about having enough patience for our baby so He took our son home because I wasn't ready.

I pray that I will be ready when God blesses me with another pregnancy. That I will be able to be the mother that our baby needs and that I will find joy in every stage of my child's life from conception to birth and beyond.


  1. Sister dear, even though I never say much and we are so far away, you are never far from my mind. I have grieved for you the last 8 months and yet never know what to say. One of the couples in our Marshalltown group have a blog that is really good (in my opinion) and struggled having children as well. She actually has two blogs one with their furniture transformations and another regarding their struggles.

    1. Thanks sister! I read the blogs...she's really funny! I have pretty mild endometriosis and today at my appt. the PA said that Matt and I have a fairly good chance of conceiving on our own :)


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