On this day

June 22, 2012

On this day one year ago I conceived a son that I carried for 8 weeks.  I found out shortly after my birthday (my most favorite day of the year) that I was indeed pregnant.  This year on this day I find out that I am indeed not pregnant...again for the 25th month.  I watch my friends get pregnant fairly easily and wonder what's wrong with me?  Why don't I get to carry a baby to term and hold them in my arms?  What did I do wrong?  Do I not pray hard enough?  Do my tears mean nothing to God?  Am I failing some sort of test that God is putting me through?  Do I need to give up this dream of being a mother?  I don't know the answers to any of those questions but what I know is this...I'm struggling to have faith in God right now and I don't know what to do.  I cry out to God because my heart hurts so much and pray for healing and it doesn't come.  I cry out and pray for answers and they don't come.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong, why my prayers seem to go no where and why this pain just won't leave.

I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year, I don't want to do anything anymore.  I am so sad and no one really understands.  All of my friends here are either pregnant or have children.  Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be excited when yet another friend tells you that they are pregnant and then to watch their belly grow knowing as you look down at your own that there is nothing in there
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