Oh my word we're at 34 weeks!

December 29, 2013

How far along: 34 weeks!

Baby is the size of an: Butternut squash

Total weight gain:  17 ish lbs
Maternity clothes: Yep, maternity yoga pants are amazing
Stretch marks: Yes, nothing on my belly just my thighs and sides.
Sleep: Not great this week, I seem to be stuffy which means I can't lay flat and my feet are swollen so I need to put them above my heart so between not being able to lay flat and not being able to get my feet above my heart I'm not so comfy.
Best moment of this week: Seeing a gift addressed to me from our baby!
Miss anything: Not having swollen feet, being able to do any sort of activity without getting tired, and wearing my wedding rings.
Movement: Yes we have rolls and shudders and hiccups
Food cravings: Apples
Anything making you queasy or sick: getting too warm
Have you started to show yet: Yep!  Starting to feel like I waddle a bit too
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: I've had a contraction here and there but so far nothing regular
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Still off
Happy or moody most of the time: Happy but tired most of the time this week.
Looking forward to: Seeing you on ultrasound tomorrow!

Wow we are at 32 weeks!

December 14, 2013

How far along: 32 weeks!

Baby is the size of an: Squash

Total weight gain:  17 ish lbs
Maternity clothes: Yep and I'm pretty much over wearing maternity jeans
Stretch marks: Yes :(  It seems that my thighs are getting bigger
Sleep: It takes awhile to get comfy but once I do I sleep for about 3-4 hours before I need to get up to pee 
Best moment of this week: getting the stroller, car seat, and pack and play!
Miss anything: Having the energy to do things
Movement: Yes, I love it!
Food cravings: Apples
Anything making you queasy or sick: getting too warm
Have you started to show yet: Yep!  Starting to feel like I waddle a bit too
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: so far no!
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Still off
Happy or moody most of the time: Feeling fairly happy but scared about labor, bringing the baby home and what that's going to look like.  I'm also concerned about breast feeding, going back to work, pumping at work, being over 30 min away from my baby while I'm at work, oh and finding someone to watch the baby when I go back to work.  I'm having huge anxiety about someone that's not me watching my child!
Looking forward to: Having 3 week days off this week to rest, and play in the nursery!

30 weeks!

December 5, 2013

How far along: 30 weeks!

  Baby is the size of an: Cucumber

Total weight gain:  15 ish lbs
Maternity clothes: Yep and I'm pretty much over wearing maternity jeans
Stretch marks: Just a couple, none on my belly though
Sleep: Not awesome this week, hopefully next week will be bettered 
Best moment of this week: Starting on the little projects that I want to do for the nursery
Miss anything: Getting out of bed without an intense amount of pain
Movement: Yes, I love it!
Food cravings: This week, comfort foods: macaroni and cheese, pastas, soups, mashed potatoes.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Having an empty stomach
Have you started to show yet: Yep!  Starting to feel like I waddle a bit too
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: Some braxton hicks now and then but thankfully no
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Still off
Happy or moody most of the time: Fairly moody this week as my due date approaches and the fear of delivery and then the 'now what' feeling with a brand new baby.
Looking forward to: Getting my nursery projects done!

Here we are at 28 weeks!

November 22, 2013

How far along: 28 weeks!
Baby is the size of an: eggplant

Total weight gain:  12 ish lbs
Maternity clothes: Yes, had to buy some maternity undies this week too.
Stretch marks: Just a couple, none on my belly though
Sleep: I can't seem to get enough!  It's like the first few weeks all over again. 
Best moment of this week: Finally picking out a theme for the nursery, get some Christmas shopping done, and some frozen meal planning done
Miss anything: being able to put my socks on standing up.  I have to sit down to put on my compression socks.  I also miss taking a nice super hot soak.  I know that I can take a bath, but I'm too nervous to do so.
Movement: Yes!  Between 8pm-12am there is a party in my uterus.  I get to watch my abdomen jump and dance and I know you're in there having a grand ole time!
Food cravings: Not really, I seem to have lost my appetite again.  Nothing really sounds good except water and Mt. Dew
Anything making you queasy or sick: Having an empty stomach
Have you started to show yet: Yes, it's fairly obvious now.  I had my first patient ask if I was pregnant last week.
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: Thankfully, no.
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Still off
Happy or moody most of the time: Pretty happy with the occasional moody day thrown in there.
Looking forward to: Getting my hair done next week and getting a massage and pedicure the week after

26 weeks and feeling fine

November 5, 2013

How far along: 26 weeks!
Baby is the size of an: lettuce

Total weight gain:  9lbs
Maternity clothes: Yes, so comfy!
Stretch marks: Just a couple, none on my belly though
Sleep: I've been having some back pain that I wake up with, but otherwise I've been sleeping fairly well overall!
Best moment of this week: Getting your crib and changing table
Miss anything: My energy
Movement: Yes!  I'm learning to tell the difference between gas and you moving around in there :)
Food cravings: Sweetarts!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Being in the car when I'm not driving
Have you started to show yet: Yes, my belly is starting to get tight but it's so incredible to feel you move and know that you're ok in there!
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: Thankfully, no.
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Still off
Happy or moody most of the time: Mostly fine
Looking forward to: Getting a carseat and stroller and hopefully figuring out a theme for your nursery.

24 weeks and we are viable!

October 24, 2013

How far along: 24 weeks!
Baby is the size of an: cantalope

Total weight gain:  9lbs
Maternity clothes: Yes, so comfy!
Stretch marks: Just a couple, none on my belly though
Sleep: I've become a huge fan of benedryl both for sleeping and all this post nasal drainage I've been having.
Best moment of this week: Feeling you kick every time you hear Daddy's voice
Miss anything: I miss my RA meds
Movement: Yes, a short period of time right away in the morning at 5ish, around 9am, a little bit at lunch time, when Matt walks in the door, and at bedtime.
Food cravings: Pumpkin cheesecake donuts!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Wearing N-95 masks
Have you started to show yet: Yes it's amazing to watch my belly grow and know that your little heart is beating away in there!
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: Thankfully, no.
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Still off
Happy or moody most of the time: Crabby lately because I'm a terrible morning person and I've been having to work at 6:30am everyday.
Looking forward to: Starting my normal work schedule of 11-7:30 and working on your nursery!

22 weeks and counting!

October 12, 2013

How far along: 22 weeks!
Baby is the size of an: Spaghetti squash

Total weight gain: 4lbs
Maternity clothes: Yes!  It's the first time I've worn skinny jeans and I love them!
Stretch marks: Yes :(
Sleep: Other than getting up every couple of hours to pee I sleep pretty good!
Best moment of this week: Knowing I felt you move for the first time
Miss anything: Being able to take whatever medicine that I want.
Movement: Yes, mostly in the evening
Food cravings: Milk, cheese, cheeseburgers 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not anymore thankfully!
Have you started to show yet: Yes!
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: Thankfully, no.
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Off and have been since about 6-7 weeks
Happy or moody most of the time: Happy most of the time
Looking forward to: More kicks and continuing to get my house in order.

20 weeks!

September 30, 2013

How far along: 20 weeks!
Baby is the size of an: banana

Total weight gain: 4lbs
Maternity clothes: Yes!  It's the first time I've worn skinny jeans and I love them!
Stretch marks: Yes :(
Sleep: Other than getting up every couple of hours to pee I sleep pretty good!
Best moment of this week: Finally getting a start date for my job!
Miss anything: Being able to take whatever medicine that I want.
Movement: Maybe, but nothing consistent yet
Food cravings: Milk, anything grape, cheese 
Anything making you queasy or sick: If it's been awhile since I've eaten, otherwise not really.
Have you started to show yet: Yes!
Gender: It's a secret
Labor signs: Thankfully, no.
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Off and have been since about 6-7 weeks
Happy or moody most of the time: Happy most of the time
Looking forward to: Feeling consistent baby movement and confirming the gender this week at our anatomy scan.

18 weeks and counting!

September 10, 2013

How far along: 18 weeks 2 days
Baby is the size of an: sweet potato

Total weight gain: 3lbs
Maternity clothes: Yes!  I have a couple pairs of jeans and some maternity shirts that I like!
Stretch marks: Just the ones from growing when I was younger
Sleep: Not too bad, we've been exhausted from the move out to Washington so I've been sleeping great!
Best moment of this week: Having people start to notice that I'm pregnant and not just chubby
Miss anything: Energy!  No not really :)  I get to rest a lot which is nice!
Movement: Nope, not yet :(
Food cravings: Milk, anything grape, cheese 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Being hungry, anything that I don't really want to eat
Have you started to show yet: Yes!  I love it!
Gender: We are going to find out, but we will keep it a secret until the baby is born
Labor signs: Thankfully, no.
Belly button in or out: In
Wedding rings on or off: Off and have been since about 6-7 weeks
Happy or moody most of the time: Both!  It tends to be more when I'm tired that I get super moody
Looking forward to: Feeling the baby move!



August 16, 2013

I don't claim to be a marriage expert but here is what I do know:

Don't speak poorly about your spouse in front of others...especially on facebook!  It's so hurtful and issues that you are dealing with in your marriage are just that...issues IN your marriage not outside of your marriage.  Build him up, don't tear him down.  Unless your spouse is an idiot he will reciprocate

Show your spouse that you care.  If he likes rhubarb crisp...make it for him.  If he takes his lunch to work every day pack it for him.  My husband recently got up at the same time I did to make sure that I had a piece of my birthday cake to take to work with me...because that's what I do for him!

Say thank you.  When he opens the door for you, smile and say thank you.  When he picks you up from work say thank you.  When he brings home your favorite coffee because he knows you're having a bad day...thank him.  Showing appreciation for the little things he does for you builds up your marriage.

Anniversaries sometimes suck

August 14, 2013

August 10th a date that will forever be etched in my mind.  The first year was the hardest as I relieved the experience.  This year I spent the day with my mom.  We went and got pedicures at my favorite place and we talked a bit about the time I was pregnant with Jeremiah and what it felt like to to lose him.

I've learned several things throughout the last two years
  1. It's ok to be angry with God, He already knows you're angry so you may as well tell Him
  2. People don't understand what it's like to go through a loss an what it feels like in your heart
  3. I lost some compassion for others who don't understand what it's like
  4. Infertility is so much harder than going through a loss (in my opinion).  With a loss you can comprehend it.  With infertility there is no answer and you may never have your own biological baby.
  5. I am very envious of women who seem to get pregnant easily
  6. I wish I still was naive about pregnancy and getting pregnant
  7. I am very blessed by the man God chose for me to marry.  No man walks a journey of infertility and loss if he truly doesn't want to be there
  8. There is a wealth of information about infertility and how to get pregnant through infertility
  9. I don't regret our decision to try IVF
  10. I feel as if I am stronger than I was before the loss and dealing with infertility.
  11. Never in my life have a I worked as hard as I have trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant
  12. I lost much of my modesty through infertility treatments
  13. I now know more about my body and how it works than I had ever wanted to know
  14. Infertility boards and miscarriage boards are great...for awhile.  There comes a time where you have to walk away and not live your life on the internet.
  15. I have met a ton of women who have gone through similar things as me and have been able to help them through their loss as women I know helped me through mine
  16. I will see Jeremiah again, and I look forward to that day...I just hope it's not too soon so I can raise the baby I'm carrying.
  17. I have learned how to find God in every situation and every moment of my day.
  18. I have finally learned out to seek out God.
  19. God brought specific people into my life to comfort me while I was grieving.  I'm so thankful for my mom, even though she had never gone through the loss of a child (and I hope she never does) she comforted me 
  20. I'm so thankful for the prayers I have received over the last two years. 

So far so good

August 2, 2013

I got to journey out to Washington state last week in search of a house and a job.  I was able to find both!  We put an offer in on a house and it was accepted!  I interviewed for a job on Friday morning and was offered the job Friday afternoon!  It will be less call overall (5 days in a 6 week cycle).  It is about 20 min away from where we will be living but that's alright.  I have a 30min response time so that will be alright and if I feel like I wouldn't be able to make it they have a sleep room available.

I got to see my Matt for nearly 6 days and it was nice!  It was hard to say goodbye to him but I was eager to get home to my big bed and puppies!

When I got home I thought Jakey was mad at me because he only half smiled.  Then I started watching him a little closer and noticed that his third eyelid was coming up every time he blinked.  It appeared that the left side of his face was not working properly.  I called the vet and we decided that since he was able to eat and drink and didn't appear to be in any distress that it could wait until the morning, but if anything changed that I should call her right away.

I brought my Jakey to the vet and we learned that it could be an inner ear infection.  He cried a lot when she tried to examine his ears (he's never cried during an ear exam).  She tested all his cranial nerves and they were all intact except for one.  She put him on antibiotics for 14 days and 28 days of steroids!  She hit him very hard with steroids.  40mg/day for 7 days and then tapering down after that.  It's a wonder my buddy can sleep!  This is day 5 of antibiotics and steroids and I'm noticing that his lip seems to be functioning a bit better.  He used to have trouble getting his lip out of his teeth and now has no trouble.

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday that was amazing!  I am officially released from my RE!  Our baby has long legs!  Thankfully my doctor makes a video of every visit and I was able to upload it to you tube so Matt could see it.

I'm so in awe of this little life growing inside me.  Each time I see the baby move and see that little heart beat away I praise God.  This child is intimately know by our Father since He began to knit this child together.  Each movement this child makes our Father is aware of.  I'm so in awe that God chose me to be this child's mother.  I pray that I will be a Godly mother and that God will continue to put His desire in my heart to know Him more and to praise Him daily!

My Matt is home!

July 2, 2013

Matt came home last Friday to celebrate my birthday!  I turned 30 on Monday and even though it's a little bittersweet for me because I didn't really think my life would turn out like this.  I thought that by the time I turned 30 I would have at least 2 children but alas that's not how my life was supposed to turn out!  God had other plans though.  As it turns out I like His plans better than mine.  His plan included having my husband home every night from now on.  His plan has me in a place where I can either work or not work and His plan has us moving to a place where we've never been but have wanted to go.

My Matt leaves again this week and it may be 3-4 weeks before I get to see him again.  I will miss him terribly!  I'm thankful that we will be able to facetime and hopefully facetime at the doctor's office for those all important ultrasounds looking at our baby!


June 22, 2013

What a process!  I have to admit I am fairly apprehensive about the whole thing.  We have had two garage sales and have made more money than either one of us anticipated, but it's still a trying process.

Matt leaves on Monday for the Seattle area.  He will be gone for a week and I will miss him terribly.  My parents are coming and they were supposed to come tomorrow but a death in the family is pushing that back a bit.  I will miss my mom's cousin, she was a wonderful woman who showed God's light to all who encountered her.  She was a perfect, what I call 50's housewife.   She was a good cook, always had a clean and neat home, and she was very encouraging to those she encountered.  I'm thankful that she knew Jesus and claimed Him as her Savior.  I know that I will meet her again, I know that she is with my grandparents and that she gets to meet my son.  I look forward to the day when I too get to see my grandparents again and get to meet my son. 

Thank you for the legacy you left behind, thank you for allowing me to care for you while you were in the hospital 8 years ago, and thank you for being the amazing woman that you were!

As I am feeling apphrehensive about moving I am claiming this promise from God:

'Fear no, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.'
Isaiah 43:1-3

What a promise!  Once you are held in the palm of God's hand, you cannot be taken away!  God knew me before I was even created, He knew the path my life would take, He knew the pain I would feel in the loss of our son, He knew that I would stop talking to Him during that time, and He knew the exact right time to bring us another baby to love.  I pray that I get to meet this baby and raise this baby in 7 short months!

Here is what's happening in my life right now

June 6, 2013

We're moving!  This is how God's hand was involved the entire time:

Last fall Matt applied for a position out in the Washington area but they filled the position right away so we just kept on keeping on.  About 3 weeks ago the manager out there called Matt and asked if he would like to interview for the position out there.  The interview lasted 2 hours!

Matt of course kept his manager up to speed on what was happening and she kindly wrote Matt a letter of recommendation!  Matt's regional manager could have put a stop the whole thing saying that he wouldn't give up Matt up...but he also wrote Matt a letter of recommendation!  A week after the first interview Matt had a second interview and was given the thumbs up. 

When we first heard about this position we asked God to guide us and open doors if He wanted us to be there and to close doors if we weren't meant to be there.  We truly believe this is where God is leading us and where He wants us.

I'm both excited and scared for this new chapter in our lives but I know without a doubt that God will always provide for us and He will never lead us somewhere that He doesn't want us!


May 27, 2013

Saw an article today that the food I'm feeding my dogs has been recalled due to possible salmonella poisoning!  I feel so guilty that I missed this for so long!

We went right to the pet store and got new dog food for our three puppies and will have to deal with the probably gaseous fallout for the next few days :(


Happy Anniversary!

May 24, 2013

As we celebrated our 7th anniversary I got to thinking about how lucky I am to have married Matt.  I married a man who loves Jesus, loves me, and loves our life.  I just don't know how it gets any better!  I can't imagine life without Matt, he's truly my partner and my soul mate.

We've had an interesting 7 years of marriage.  The first year was in fact the hardest.  We were married May 19, 2006.  We didn't get to take a honeymoon because Matt's company wanted him to go to driver training and that was the only week that he could do it.  So we went to our townhouse for a couple days after we were married and then headed up to Minneapolis where I got to hang out in a hotel room, by myself all day long.  I watched TV and ordered a pizza and then since we had to be out of the room by 3pm I hung out, with all our stuff, in the hotel lobby until Matt was done.  Matt made it up to me by taking me to the Mall of America for shopping though!

Shortly after we were married I started having joint pain (it actually started in November of 2005, but it went away).  Every morning when I would wake up I would be so swollen that I couldn't close my hands.  My wrists were beginning to swell to the point where I couldn't bend them without an intense amount of pain.  My new husband looked at me and did what he does best...he took care of me.  Matt would help me shower, he would wash my hair for me, dry me off, help me comb my hair and get dressed.  Matt would often carry me down the stairs to the living room before he would go to work.  We both thought it was weird that later in the day everything would get better and if I laid down for a nap or to watch a tv show the swelling would start up again.

The diagnosis process was awful, I will go into details in a different post because it's long and involves Matt actually yelling at a doctor.  Those of you who know my husband IRL know that he's a fairly soft spoken man.

After my diagnosis I started to find relief slowly.  My doctor believed me and gave me medicine to help with the pain...but the treatment process is long and doesn't always go as planned.  In the middle of this we found that Matt needed surgery.  A friend of my mom's growing up is a well respected surgeon in Sioux Falls so we requested that he do Matt's surgery in October of 2006.  The surgery went great, I took Matt home and he recovered well. 

During the whole diagnosis process with my RA we learned that I had Thoracic Outlet Syndrome bilaterally.  My right arm was going numb within a matter of seconds continuously no matter what position I had it in.  We scheduled surgery with a well respected thoracic surgeon for December 12, 2006.  During this time the company Matt worked for was going through a re-alignment.  While I was on the operating room table Matt received the call that he had lost his job.  We were given 10 days to decide if he wanted to take a lateral move to a new territory or if he wanted to take the severance package and do something else.

At the time I was still in nursing school and we needed the steady income of Matt working so we looked at different territories and determined that the Iowa City territory sounded good.  Matt interviewed with that manager, got the job and moved to Iowa...without me.  I had to stay in South Dakota to finish school.  Matt had already been gone Monday-Thursday two out of every 3 weeks but now he wasn't even going to live with me.

He moved to Iowa in January of 2007 and we got to see each other every weekend, either he would drive to South Dakota or I would drive to Iowa.  It was miserable and hard, we were paying two rents, two sets of bills, and a car payment along with several medical bills from our surgeries.  Life was difficult!

In May shortly after I graduated from nursing school Matt was offered a position in his old territory. Half of South Dakota, half of Nebraska, and the state of Wyoming.  It wasn't for sure but we scouted out Wyoming as a future place to live.  We didn't get word until the end of June (after I passed my boards!) that we would be moving.  I had 10 days to find a place to live, get everything out here, and find a job.  By the grace of God alone we found a place to live, I got two job offers and we got everything out to Wyoming on July 4th, 2007. 

I should add that we celebrated our first year of marriage by getting our puppy Allie :)  She's a sweet girl, very sensitive, but sweet girl!

When we moved out to Wyoming we were 10 hours away from my parents and where I grew up and 5 hours away from Matt's parents.  It was difficult, but God showed us how to rely on each other and make our marriage strong.  My brother told me that living away from our families would make us stronger and I believe that it did.

It was difficult on us for awhile because the 6000ft elevation wrecked havoc on my RA.  I flare once a year here where I end up calling in sick because I can't move.  I hate it, I hate being on steroids, I hate having to ask for help for ADL's, and I hate my disease.

We bought a house in February of 2009 and in May of 2009 we bought our puppy Charlie.  Adding the third dog screwed up the dynamics of our home.  We love all three of our dogs and have worked with a vet recently to help with the fighting between Charlie and Jake.  They are bloody fights that will not end unless we tear them apart.  I've had countless vet visits, countless antibiotics, and countless tears over what to do...until recently when Jake had a UTI.  My usual vet wasn't open so I brought him to the clinic we go to when our vet isn't open.  She suggested we put Jake on prozac.  It was worth a shot.  Jake has been on the prozac for 6 months now and we have only had two fights whereas before we would've had at least 6-8.  The change is amazing.  Jake is my puppy again, he's happy, he's not so anxious all the time, and he ignores Charlie whereas before everytime Charlie would move Jake thought he needed to intervene.

We started ttc after being married for 3 years.  I honestly thought that since my mom got pregnant easily and my sister got pregnant easily that I would too.  Nope, it took 18 months to get pregnant that first time and 4 weeks after we lost him.  It's been nearly two years since then and we have done two rounds of clomid, 3 IUIs, and have had one failed IVF attempt.  To say this has been hard on us is putting it lightly.  Matt is a rock, he was supportive for me when I screamed at God for taking our baby, he told me that God understood my pain that it was ok to cry out.  I remember breaking down in the kitchen...several times screaming and Matt was there for it all.

When we found out our IVF didn't work, Matt was home with me, held my hand during the phone call and held me when I got off the phone.  You can imagine that being hopped up on so many hormones can make a person very very emotional and after the initial wailing I dried my eyes and went to get a mani/pedi for our vacation the next day.

I guess what I trying to say in a lot of words is that God truly blessed me when He gave me Matt.  God helped us build a strong foundation to our marriage fully rooted in Him.  Between the three of us, there is nothing that can stand in our way!

'A cord of three strands is not quickly broken' Ephesians 4:12

National Infertility Week

April 25, 2013

April 21-27 is National Infertility Week.  I saw this week last year and hoped not to see it again this year but alas here we are in infertility week again.  Infertility affects more people than most people realize.  Some people keep quiet and have feeling of shame or embarrassment.  Others voice their pain through social media like I do.  In my mind, the more that people are aware of what it's like to want something so badly and when you do everything right and you still don't get the one thing you want.  Or when you see that beautiful second line on a pregnancy test and the joy and excitement you feel that it's finally your turn only to have it taken away from you 4 short weeks later.

I'm very thankful that through this journey I have the support of my husband.  There is no man that will walk the road of infertility with their wife if he doesn't want to be there.  It is a hard road filled with pain (both literally and emotionally).  With each new treatment plan comes new pain.  With each treatment plan that fails you lose hope that your dream will ever come true.

That is where I am today, on a new treatment plan and rapidly losing hope.

Here is the website for national infertility awareness week.  I hope that if you are reading this blog that you will do something to help either by supporting this organization, posting it on your blog because you have a friend of a friend who is suffering from infertility, or just by praying for the thousands of woman who are going through this on a daily basis.



April 3, 2013

I'm way overtired and that is making me very emotional!  Feeling sorry for myself and wishing that things were different, that I'd decided my major sooner, that I'd have starting trying to have kids sooner, that my body was healthier and didn't swell and hurt all the time.  I know this is all in God's plan but it's so hard to keep running a race where the only thing you know for certain is that in the end you will go to heaven.

I've been working far too much this week and my body is protesting very loudly in the fact that my normal morning swelling that goes down after an hour or so is not going down.  My body is tired and my mind is getting cranky.

I wonder if I will ever have a child that has my DNA.  I believe that God is much much bigger than my uterus and that God can give Matt and I a child if it's in His will. 

I actually walked out of my work break room yesterday because people were talking about breastfeeding and their experiences with it.  I wanted to cry.  Then I was angry with myself for being bitter that other women were able to have children and that they had the opportunity to breastfeed.  I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be angry.  I pray that if God chooses that Matt and I are not to have children that He takes the desire away from us.  I don't understand why I have this desire if so far nothing has worked to help us get pregnant. 

I'm bummed that I missed church on Easter Sunday (one of my favorite holidays) because I had to work.  I'm sure that the families we helped that day are thankful that I missed church to be there...I just feel like it should have been my turn to re-charge, my turn to praise God for sending His son to die on a cross with my sin on His shoulders.  Then I remember that I have that opportunity each day to thank God for that sacrifice and to praise God for salvation.

There are days upon days where I just feel numb to the world around me and then there are days, like today, where I feel so emotional and I just want to retreat from the world a bit.  Maybe I haven't dealt with our failed IVF attempt.  I cried for two days, I retreated to just Matt and me for two days and then had a wonderful family vacation where I was able to cry to my mom and dad.  I feel like the failed IVF was a bump in the road and not a complete roadblock. 

Anyhow, I've been rambling so I should stop now and think about heading to bed.  It's already been a long week and I have to work a bit tomorrow.  My brain feels fried, my body is beat but I need to learn this new charting system since we go live this weekend.  Thankfully I'm getting a facial on Friday and a deep tissue massage on Sunday...I'm literally counting the hours!

Day 30

March 26, 2013


This is kinda like nature, it was an aviary at Discovery Cove in Orlando. 

Day 29

March 26, 2013

Close up

Hmm swollen fingers and still really swollen from a failed IVF attempt but here's me, no make-up waving bye bye to Jacob at the Orlando airport a couple weeks ago.

Day 28

March 26, 2013


Well...I don't have a picture of a sunset in Wyoming and waiting to take a picture of a sunset seems well time consuming and I always seem to miss it.  So here is a picture from when I was traveling down to Colorado for IVF treatments

Day 27

March 1, 2013


This is happiness: My little family.  We hope to add to it soon, but for now this is my family and they make me happy!

Day 26

February 12, 2013

My favorite Color

Is blue, green, and rainbow :)

Day 25

February 8, 2013


I make a really really good carrot cake, I mean it's really good.  I found this recipe in an Alton Brown cookbook in 2006.  I made it one day during my learning how to cook for Matt phase and it was amazing!  I brought it to work one day after a mix up at Bible study the night before...it was gone by noon!  This is my spectacular cake!

I also like to crochet.  This is what I'm currently making.  I haven't decided if I'm going to give it to my friend who had a baby in November or keep it for hopefully the baby(ies) we will be having this year.  I kinda like the pattern and have enjoyed praying while I'm making this blanket that whatever child gets this blanket that they will be blessed beyond anything they could imagine and that they would choose to know God on an intimate level.

Day 24

February 8, 2013

Guilty Pleasure

Hmmm, tough one as there are so many things I enjoy that I maybe shouldn't!  Let's start with an easy one...sleeping in!  I also love baths with epsom salts and lavender oil.  I love coffee!  I love to watch documentaries on Ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans.  I enjoy documentaries on WW2, the environment and other random topics.

My current favorite indulgence is coffee.  Matt bought me an amazing expresso maker that has a milk steamer on it.  It makes a pretty amazing cup of coffee!  I also enjoy going to Dazbog for a cup of coffee even if I'm drinking decaf :)

Day 23

February 8, 2013

Something Old

The slip that I wore under my wedding gown was worn by my grandmother on her wedding day in 1943. 

Day 22

February 8, 2013


This is my Charlie, he was 'cold'

Day 21

February 4, 2013


I don't think it's any secret that I dream of being a mother.  My dreams used to be filled with seeing positive pregnancy tests and the excited look on Matt's face when I told him that we were finally going to be parents, but as the treatments get more expensive and the emotional cost is getting higher and higher I'm finding that I no longer dream of positive pregnancy tests.  I dream of being in labor (weird right?) I dream of Matt right next to me while we are in labor encouraging me that we can do this, that he's right there with me, that he's so proud of me.  I dream of seeing our baby for the first time of touching his/her fingers and toes, of looking into our child's eyes and knowing that I am finally a mother.

Day 20

February 4, 2013

Someone you love

This one is sooo easy!  I love Matt! I mean look at that face how can you not fall in love with that smile every time you see it?  And the way that he looks at me when he smiles?  It's the best!

This was taken about 3 weeks or so after I miscarried

Day 19

February 4, 2013


Hmmm, I have kind of a sweet tooth when I'm in the mood for it and lately this is the sweet thing that I have been enjoying!


Day 18

February 4, 2013


I couldn't think of anything better to meditate on than the cross.  That cross is my whole world, without it I would not have salvation, I would not know Jesus who died to save my eternal soul!
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