Blah!

April 3, 2013

I'm way overtired and that is making me very emotional!  Feeling sorry for myself and wishing that things were different, that I'd decided my major sooner, that I'd have starting trying to have kids sooner, that my body was healthier and didn't swell and hurt all the time.  I know this is all in God's plan but it's so hard to keep running a race where the only thing you know for certain is that in the end you will go to heaven.

I've been working far too much this week and my body is protesting very loudly in the fact that my normal morning swelling that goes down after an hour or so is not going down.  My body is tired and my mind is getting cranky.

I wonder if I will ever have a child that has my DNA.  I believe that God is much much bigger than my uterus and that God can give Matt and I a child if it's in His will. 

I actually walked out of my work break room yesterday because people were talking about breastfeeding and their experiences with it.  I wanted to cry.  Then I was angry with myself for being bitter that other women were able to have children and that they had the opportunity to breastfeed.  I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be angry.  I pray that if God chooses that Matt and I are not to have children that He takes the desire away from us.  I don't understand why I have this desire if so far nothing has worked to help us get pregnant. 

I'm bummed that I missed church on Easter Sunday (one of my favorite holidays) because I had to work.  I'm sure that the families we helped that day are thankful that I missed church to be there...I just feel like it should have been my turn to re-charge, my turn to praise God for sending His son to die on a cross with my sin on His shoulders.  Then I remember that I have that opportunity each day to thank God for that sacrifice and to praise God for salvation.

There are days upon days where I just feel numb to the world around me and then there are days, like today, where I feel so emotional and I just want to retreat from the world a bit.  Maybe I haven't dealt with our failed IVF attempt.  I cried for two days, I retreated to just Matt and me for two days and then had a wonderful family vacation where I was able to cry to my mom and dad.  I feel like the failed IVF was a bump in the road and not a complete roadblock. 

Anyhow, I've been rambling so I should stop now and think about heading to bed.  It's already been a long week and I have to work a bit tomorrow.  My brain feels fried, my body is beat but I need to learn this new charting system since we go live this weekend.  Thankfully I'm getting a facial on Friday and a deep tissue massage on Sunday...I'm literally counting the hours!

7 comments:

  1. Awe sweetie, I'm so sorry. I can feel your extreme exhaustion with all of it through your post, and I don't think there is anyone is this world who would blame you for feeling that way. Don't feel bad about your feeling towards the other women talking about the breastfeeding. I think if you didn't have those feelings, it would be abnormal. I love that you have managed to keep your faith in tact despite everything you've gone through and that you are looking at this as a bump in the road and not a complete roadblock. That is exactly what it is! Stay strong girlie. My heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers. You are handling everything with such grace, so please give yourself some credit for being so strong and continuing to put one foot in front of the other!

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    1. It's been a huge struggle and sometimes I write down what I believe to make my heart go along with it.

      Thank-you :) I don't feel like I'm handling this with grace!

      Congrats on your 17 eggs! Have you gotten your report this morning?

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    2. Well you ARE handling it with grace. I do know that for sure!

      Today's report (Day3) was that 10 embies were growing "really well", 1 was growing "well" and 1 was growing "slow". They didn't give me exact cell #'s or anything...just that we won't transfer until Day 5.

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  2. I just want to give you a huge hug, draw you a big relaxing bubble bath, and then tuck you away from the world so you can heal and rest. I am so sorry that your first IVF didn't work out. My heart breaks for you for what you've been through and continue to go through. I do know God has a plan, but trying to figure out how it will unfold hurts so much. I know this is a time of uncertainly and confusion. Please know how much I care and here for you anytime. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you :) I'm much better now and super excited for you!

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  3. Big HUGS Elizabeth. I completely understand every word you have written. I hate the jealous feelings. I'm frustrated with my body. I'm frustrated that I'm 35 and ttc #1 and didn't start trying til I was 32. I'm frustrated and sad, and frankly, tired of being frustrated and sad. I'm burned out. I feel ya- I hope getting it out helped you release a bit. I know it helps me. Huge, huge hugs and thinking of you. :)

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    1. It did help, Matt and I had a long tear filled conversation (mostly on my part) about our ttc life. We have decided to go ahead with the FET but for a little bit there it was tempting to just stop and look into adoption.

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