May you always have a childlike faith

August 31, 2011

'Don't let your heart be hardened - don't let your love grow cold
May it always stay so childlike - may it never grow too old
Don't let your heart be hardened - may you always know the cure
Keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure

May it always feel compassion - may it beat as one with God's
May it never be contrary - may it never be at odds
May it always be forgiving - may it never know conceit
May it always be encouraged - may it never know defeat

May your heart be always open - never satisfied with right
May your heat be filled with courage and strengthened with all might

Let His love rain down upon you
Breaking up your fallow ground
Let it lossen all the binding
Till only tenderness is found'


When I was younger, about 11 or 12, I used to 'borrow' my older brother's Petra tape. I listened to about three songs on that tape, but this song was my favorite. I haven't heard this song in years but today this song has been stuck in my head! Enjoy!

My Jakey has a first name it's J-A-K-E-Y

August 30, 2011

This is my Jake. I got Jake when he was about six weeks old from the humane society in Sioux Falls, SD. Jake had been part of a litter of puppies whose owner had been deployed. The humane society had named him "Liberty"

Yeah...that wasn't going to work for us. So the name search began. The first night that I had him he didn't like me...not even a little bit. He slept in my room at my parents house and cried all night long. Every time he cried I would say, "say that's enough now" and he would quiet for a bit. To this day every time I say "say" he quiets down and pays attention to me.

I think it took about three days to name him and nothing really seemed to sound right. Finally Jake came up and he seemed to like it. So Jake became his name. Jake and I really started to bond after he had a name and things started looking up. He and I have been through a lot in the last seven and half years and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

When I found out that I was pregnant I told Jake first! I was so excited to be able to share this with him! Shortly after I found out I was pregnant we found a lump on Jake's neck. We had this lump excised, we waited for almost a week to hear what this lump was...seriously this was one of the longest weeks of my life. The vet called and said that it was a lymphosarcoma. Ok as long as we had clean margins. Whew! What a relief, my friend was going to be ok!

When I found out that I lost our baby Jake wouldn't talk to me at...all. I was crushed! We had been through so much and when I needed him the most he wouldn't even talk to me! It took a day or so but he finally came around. I took this picture with photo booth on my computer. He's been checking on me since then to make sure that I'm ok. It seems that God knew how much I needed the comfort of my friend!

Through the pain of losing our baby I am finding so many things to be thankful for. First that God allowed me to conceive a child. Second that I went into remission with my RA, Third that I was able to have a complete miscarriage. We have been very blessed even in our pain and I can't express how thankful I am for family and friends and a God who knows my sorrow and comforts me even when I can't find words to cry out.

It's the little things

August 29, 2011

It's the little things in life that make life better. It's the chicken soup that makes me feel better when I'm sick. It's seeing the sun when I wake up knowing that without God it's not possible. It's seeing the smile on my husbands face when I tell him I love him. It's coming home to a happy springer dog who has been waiting all day for his master to come home. It's my husband knowing that a cup of coffee is just the thing I needed. It's hearing your mother's voice say, it's going to be ok when you feel like you failed because you lost your child. It's knowing that I have a savior who died to save me and interferes on my behalf, not that I deserve it but because he loves me.

Thus far

August 28, 2011

Eighteen days ago I lost our first child. I had some inkling that I was going to miscarry but I hoped that I wouldn't. The moment I found out I was pregnant was before I went to work on July 14. I called Matt and asked him to come home. He guessed right away that I was pregnant. We were excited and scared because at the time we didn't know if I would ever be able to conceive. We were scared because we weren't expecting to conceive and weren't sure how my body would react to it.

After I got over the initial shock of being pregnant I started to be more excited. I immediately looked at my diet and made sure that I was eating good healthy food to help our little bean grow to be a strong child.

When I was about six weeks along my doctor did an ultrasound to confirm intrauterine pregnancy and to see what we saw. We saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac but no fetal pole. Not terribly concerning because I wasn't exactly six weeks. I started to bleed about a week later and called the doctor who wasn't terribly concerned because it wasn't bright red. A few days later I started to bleed, I knew what was happening and I was crushed. I prayed for strength to endure what was happening, I prayed for a miracle, and I prayed for God's will on our child.

After I lost our son, I believed that he was a boy from the moment I found out we were pregnant, I sobbed. I felt so empty without our small bean growing in my womb. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. My dream died when our baby died.

Now I'm frightened to try again because what if the same thing happens? What if I'm not able to carry a baby to term and will never have a child of my own.

I know that losing our baby was in God's plan, but it still hurts. I had asked God to draw me closer to Him and if this is the way that he is giving me what I asked for then so be it. I will give praise to the maker of heaven and earth for letting me conceive and carry a child if only for a few weeks.
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