November 26, 2012

Over the last three years, well five really, I have gained weight.  Body image is a huge issue for me because well I don't know, it's just a huge issue!  I can try and try and try and yet nothing I do seems to bring the weight down.  I want to do exercise excessively to the point where I want to puke but never do because of the elusive 'what if I'm pregnant this month'. 

This month we were going to do our 4th IUI.  I started AF and called to make an appt with my RE's office.  I get to the office for an ultrasound and they find a cyst on my left ovary.  I'm not terribly concerned because I've had cysts before and they always resolve and we start the cycle with meds and what not.  This cyst is a bit different, it seems that this cyst was secreting hormones so cycle canceled.  At first I was a little sad because it meant a very unlikely chance that this cycle would be THE cycle and then I realized that I needed a mental break soooo badly that I wanted to cry!  So I went home and had a glass of wine, Qdoba, and went to bed early.  It was amazing.  So here I am waiting for this cycle to be over so I can start the next one and I got to thinking...maybe I should work on me a little bit.

Here is what working on me entails: allowing my mind to relax to the point where I can actually take care of me, working on my fitness which mean walking on the treadmill at least 3 times a week and actually doing the sit ups that I promise myself I will do everyday, this also means that I will be working on talking to God everyday.  This whole process of trying to become parents and miscarrying and being sad about my body image has made it very difficult to talk to God.  I feel like God has left me (I know this is not true because I know that God will never leave me...that if I feel alone it's because I have walked away from Him). 

So here goes, here's to working on ME!

Thanksgiving 2012

November 25, 2012

This year for Thanksgiving Matt and I did a first.  We spent it with Anna, Thomas, and Megan out in Seattle. 

We had a wonderful time and needed the time for rest and relaxation and no talk of having children.  After the past few months of fertility drugs, lots of ultrasounds, and three IUI's that were unsuccessful and all the emotions and tears that go with that I needed a break from anything related to children and fertility.  The thought of seeing my 7 nieces and nephews actually brought me to my knees in pain because I am the sister unable to conceive and I am the sister who was unable to carry a baby to term.  Now logically I understand that my family does not see me in this way but emotionally I do feel like a broken woman

For the 5 days that we were in Seattle there were no expectations for Matt or I on anything.  I didn't think about fertility or my lack of fertility as more than a passing thought each day.  My days were filled with coffee...lots and lots of decaf coffee, walking around Redmond, and discovering yummy places to eat.  There was lots of laughter and talk of the 'Skillman' similarities and talk of movies, and comics, and tv shows, and rain.  There was rain every day that we were there except for Thursday.  It was pure bliss!  My only regret was that I don't own any rainboots (something I will quickly remedy).  I have a thing where I don't like my feet to be wet or my head...but I love the feel of the rain on my face and the smell of the rain.  It makes everything smell so fresh!

All in all this was a wonderful trip and a trip we will hopefully be making soon!

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