Baby is gone

September 14, 2015

I had an ultrasound this morning to make sure that I have passed everything.  It was hard to look up at the screen and see an empty uterus.  It's unfortunately a sight I have seen before.  This miscarriage followed almost the exact same pattern as my first miscarriage.  The only difference was that my betas doubled appropriately with this pregnancy as opposed to my first.

I'm thankful that the gal doing my ultrasound this morning made it fairly quick.  She was compassionate and that made it slightly easier.

The familiar panic is starting to set in.  That feeling of wanting to just run.  I know that it will pass and I know that I will be ok.  Knowing that my body acted appropriately is relieving but now I'm beginning to process how I feel emotionally.  That part is hard. 

I look at what I have: salvation, a supportive, kind husband, a super sweet little boy, and 2 puppies that just want to comfort.

I look at what I don't have: 2 children that I wanted, being a stay at home mom, bedroom furniture, missing a faithful dog companion, and that my age may be starting to work against me.

All in all, I have it all.  I have the most important thing in this life and that is salvation.  I have the love of a faithful Father who granted me a supportive husband, a living child, a nice home, transportation, and a couple of puppies that adore our kiddo.

I'm hoping and praying that this panic will subside faster than last time.  I don't want to dip into the depression that I did last time.  It took me nearly 2 years to be 'me' again or rather the new version of me.

I now have two holes in my heart where my first child and my third child took those pieces with them.  I will see them again when I get to heaven.  For now I picture them playing at the foot of Jesus.  They are in paradise, loved unconditionally by their parents and more importantly Jesus.  They will never know pain, they will never know hunger, they will only know love.  Knowing that makes this pain a little less raw and makes me feel a little less empty.

2nd loss

September 12, 2015

Over the last week or so I've been going through a second miscarriage.  Here's how everything got started...well not everything just from the point I found out that I was pregnant :) 

August 19th I took a pregnancy test in the afternoon because I was a few days late.  I fully expected to see a stark white test because I have been a little off since Liam was born.  Nope, there is was a second line.  I think my mouth may have dropped open a little bit.  I had always wanted a surprise baby.  You know when you're actually not trying to get pregnant and all the sudden you are?  Yep, that's always been a dream of mine!

I put Liam in a big brother shirt and waited for Matt to come home.  I think Matt's mouth dropped open as well.  We had actually been discussing and planning another IVF transfer this fall. 

That evening I e-mailed my IVF coordinator and told her that I would have to postpone the cycle as I had just found out I was pregnant.  She congratulated me and asked that I have some labs drawn to make sure things were going ok.  I had betas drawn and they doubled just like they were supposed to...not like the very first pregnancy where they didn't double like they were supposed to.  I scheduled my ultrasound for my 7th week of pregnancy and started planning out how I was going to tell our parents the good news.  I wanted to wait until we saw baby's heartbeat before we told the world.

The 7th week of pregnancy started and I was eagerly anticipating seeing baby's heartbeat...but then I started spotting.  It started out slow and pretty much stayed the same until the day we went in for our ultrasound.  At our ultrasound we saw a gestational sac and a possible fetal pole.  We thought that perhaps I was off on my dates and baby just needed a bit more time to grow.  We left the office with more questions than answers.

That afternoon I started bleeding pretty heavily.  I contacted my doctor's office to schedule another ultrasound early next week and I waited.

The cramping/heavy bleeding began on Thursday afternoon.  Friday our nanny came over to watch Liam so that I could rest.  Everything pretty much stayed the same until I went to get pizza...I barely made it through the grocery store as the contractions began.

When I got home our nanny went home and Liam and I were downstairs hanging out.  He seemed to quickly realize that I was hurting so he would stroke my face and rub my arm.  Matt came downstairs a little bit later and sat next to me so that I could hold his hand through the contractions.  I would squeeze his hand with each contraction and our little Liam sat on my lap 'comforting' me until the contractions stopped.

Overall this miscarriage was physically more painful than my first.  Emotionally I'm sad, I wanted this baby and was just starting to get really excited about making Liam a big brother.  I'm truly doing ok though.  I don't feel the deep despair that I felt after we lost our first's nearly impossible not to smile often when Liam's eyes light up when I come down the stairs or when he discovers something new and is all excited about it.

I have another ultrasound on Monday to confirm that I have passed everything and make sure that I'm physically doing ok so that my body can heal.  I'm slightly concerned about infection and possible retained tissue; due to my immune status I don't fight infections well.  That's my prayer at the moment because that's how I'm processing things, I need my body to get back to it's version of 'normal'. 
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