Baby is gone

September 14, 2015

I had an ultrasound this morning to make sure that I have passed everything.  It was hard to look up at the screen and see an empty uterus.  It's unfortunately a sight I have seen before.  This miscarriage followed almost the exact same pattern as my first miscarriage.  The only difference was that my betas doubled appropriately with this pregnancy as opposed to my first.

I'm thankful that the gal doing my ultrasound this morning made it fairly quick.  She was compassionate and that made it slightly easier.

The familiar panic is starting to set in.  That feeling of wanting to just run.  I know that it will pass and I know that I will be ok.  Knowing that my body acted appropriately is relieving but now I'm beginning to process how I feel emotionally.  That part is hard. 

I look at what I have: salvation, a supportive, kind husband, a super sweet little boy, and 2 puppies that just want to comfort.

I look at what I don't have: 2 children that I wanted, being a stay at home mom, bedroom furniture, missing a faithful dog companion, and that my age may be starting to work against me.

All in all, I have it all.  I have the most important thing in this life and that is salvation.  I have the love of a faithful Father who granted me a supportive husband, a living child, a nice home, transportation, and a couple of puppies that adore our kiddo.

I'm hoping and praying that this panic will subside faster than last time.  I don't want to dip into the depression that I did last time.  It took me nearly 2 years to be 'me' again or rather the new version of me.

I now have two holes in my heart where my first child and my third child took those pieces with them.  I will see them again when I get to heaven.  For now I picture them playing at the foot of Jesus.  They are in paradise, loved unconditionally by their parents and more importantly Jesus.  They will never know pain, they will never know hunger, they will only know love.  Knowing that makes this pain a little less raw and makes me feel a little less empty.

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