I'm not really ok, I will be, but I'm not ok right now.

October 14, 2015

I'm having kind of a hard day today.  I haven't really started to fully grieve this loss.  I was so focused on having my body heal and taking care of Liam that I left little time to think about the dream that died with our baby.  That's why miscarriage is hard, when I saw that second pink line I began dreaming about what Liam would be like as an older brother.  I began dreaming (and panicking) about having two babies.  I dreamed about what her features would look like, would she be the same combo of Matt and me that Liam is?  I dreamed about her personality, would she have my fire?  Would she be gentle like her Daddy but with a spine of steel?  Would she be inquisitive like Liam? Would Liam teach her how to get into all the things and that one little kiss or snuggle will have Mommy forgiving you?

I don't get to know the answers to those questions and that's hard.  The biggest difference between this loss and my first loss is that I have more anger this time around.  I can live in a place of anger, anger means energy.  Anger means that I have a purpose...but it also means that I shut people out.  I've been so angry about this loss that I've taken it out on my family.  I've been so angry that I lost a little piece of myself, that piece that makes me, me.  So that's been my prayer...that God will take my anger.  I don't need it, it's not helping me.  It's not doing me any good and it's probably making everything worse.

Unlike my first loss I can still talk to God.  After I lost Jeremiah, I couldn't pray.  I couldn't think.  I could barely breathe.  I know that I had friends and family that carried me when I couldn't see.  I spend hours some days talking to God but I don't ask Him why.  I trust that as my heavenly Father, He truly knows what's best for me.  I ask God for rest.  I'm having trouble sleeping.  It's been slightly better this week but it's still hard to rest.  I ask God to take my anger from me.  I ask God to give me patience.  I ask God to prepare my womb to hold and care for another life.  I ask God to prepare my heart to grow again for another child.  I thank God for giving us children.  I thank God for the children He's going to give us.  I ask God to help me be the mother He wants me to be.  I pray for Liam's spouse, that God would prepare her heart for him.  I pray for my marriage.  I thank God for Matt and pray that we will continue to grow in Him.  Most of all I pray for God to heal my heart and to help me learn how to be a new me.

I'm not OK, I will be but right now I'm not OK.  I don't feel like me, I feel like a very strange version of me that I don't really like.

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