I'm not really ok, I will be, but I'm not ok right now.

October 14, 2015

I'm having kind of a hard day today.  I haven't really started to fully grieve this loss.  I was so focused on having my body heal and taking care of Liam that I left little time to think about the dream that died with our baby.  That's why miscarriage is hard, when I saw that second pink line I began dreaming about what Liam would be like as an older brother.  I began dreaming (and panicking) about having two babies.  I dreamed about what her features would look like, would she be the same combo of Matt and me that Liam is?  I dreamed about her personality, would she have my fire?  Would she be gentle like her Daddy but with a spine of steel?  Would she be inquisitive like Liam? Would Liam teach her how to get into all the things and that one little kiss or snuggle will have Mommy forgiving you?

I don't get to know the answers to those questions and that's hard.  The biggest difference between this loss and my first loss is that I have more anger this time around.  I can live in a place of anger, anger means energy.  Anger means that I have a purpose...but it also means that I shut people out.  I've been so angry about this loss that I've taken it out on my family.  I've been so angry that I lost a little piece of myself, that piece that makes me, me.  So that's been my prayer...that God will take my anger.  I don't need it, it's not helping me.  It's not doing me any good and it's probably making everything worse.

Unlike my first loss I can still talk to God.  After I lost Jeremiah, I couldn't pray.  I couldn't think.  I could barely breathe.  I know that I had friends and family that carried me when I couldn't see.  I spend hours some days talking to God but I don't ask Him why.  I trust that as my heavenly Father, He truly knows what's best for me.  I ask God for rest.  I'm having trouble sleeping.  It's been slightly better this week but it's still hard to rest.  I ask God to take my anger from me.  I ask God to give me patience.  I ask God to prepare my womb to hold and care for another life.  I ask God to prepare my heart to grow again for another child.  I thank God for giving us children.  I thank God for the children He's going to give us.  I ask God to help me be the mother He wants me to be.  I pray for Liam's spouse, that God would prepare her heart for him.  I pray for my marriage.  I thank God for Matt and pray that we will continue to grow in Him.  Most of all I pray for God to heal my heart and to help me learn how to be a new me.

I'm not OK, I will be but right now I'm not OK.  I don't feel like me, I feel like a very strange version of me that I don't really like.

Baby is gone

September 14, 2015

I had an ultrasound this morning to make sure that I have passed everything.  It was hard to look up at the screen and see an empty uterus.  It's unfortunately a sight I have seen before.  This miscarriage followed almost the exact same pattern as my first miscarriage.  The only difference was that my betas doubled appropriately with this pregnancy as opposed to my first.

I'm thankful that the gal doing my ultrasound this morning made it fairly quick.  She was compassionate and that made it slightly easier.

The familiar panic is starting to set in.  That feeling of wanting to just run.  I know that it will pass and I know that I will be ok.  Knowing that my body acted appropriately is relieving but now I'm beginning to process how I feel emotionally.  That part is hard. 

I look at what I have: salvation, a supportive, kind husband, a super sweet little boy, and 2 puppies that just want to comfort.

I look at what I don't have: 2 children that I wanted, being a stay at home mom, bedroom furniture, missing a faithful dog companion, and that my age may be starting to work against me.

All in all, I have it all.  I have the most important thing in this life and that is salvation.  I have the love of a faithful Father who granted me a supportive husband, a living child, a nice home, transportation, and a couple of puppies that adore our kiddo.

I'm hoping and praying that this panic will subside faster than last time.  I don't want to dip into the depression that I did last time.  It took me nearly 2 years to be 'me' again or rather the new version of me.

I now have two holes in my heart where my first child and my third child took those pieces with them.  I will see them again when I get to heaven.  For now I picture them playing at the foot of Jesus.  They are in paradise, loved unconditionally by their parents and more importantly Jesus.  They will never know pain, they will never know hunger, they will only know love.  Knowing that makes this pain a little less raw and makes me feel a little less empty.

2nd loss

September 12, 2015

Over the last week or so I've been going through a second miscarriage.  Here's how everything got started...well not everything just from the point I found out that I was pregnant :) 

August 19th I took a pregnancy test in the afternoon because I was a few days late.  I fully expected to see a stark white test because I have been a little off since Liam was born.  Nope, there is was a second line.  I think my mouth may have dropped open a little bit.  I had always wanted a surprise baby.  You know when you're actually not trying to get pregnant and all the sudden you are?  Yep, that's always been a dream of mine!

I put Liam in a big brother shirt and waited for Matt to come home.  I think Matt's mouth dropped open as well.  We had actually been discussing and planning another IVF transfer this fall. 

That evening I e-mailed my IVF coordinator and told her that I would have to postpone the cycle as I had just found out I was pregnant.  She congratulated me and asked that I have some labs drawn to make sure things were going ok.  I had betas drawn and they doubled just like they were supposed to...not like the very first pregnancy where they didn't double like they were supposed to.  I scheduled my ultrasound for my 7th week of pregnancy and started planning out how I was going to tell our parents the good news.  I wanted to wait until we saw baby's heartbeat before we told the world.

The 7th week of pregnancy started and I was eagerly anticipating seeing baby's heartbeat...but then I started spotting.  It started out slow and pretty much stayed the same until the day we went in for our ultrasound.  At our ultrasound we saw a gestational sac and a possible fetal pole.  We thought that perhaps I was off on my dates and baby just needed a bit more time to grow.  We left the office with more questions than answers.

That afternoon I started bleeding pretty heavily.  I contacted my doctor's office to schedule another ultrasound early next week and I waited.

The cramping/heavy bleeding began on Thursday afternoon.  Friday our nanny came over to watch Liam so that I could rest.  Everything pretty much stayed the same until I went to get pizza...I barely made it through the grocery store as the contractions began.

When I got home our nanny went home and Liam and I were downstairs hanging out.  He seemed to quickly realize that I was hurting so he would stroke my face and rub my arm.  Matt came downstairs a little bit later and sat next to me so that I could hold his hand through the contractions.  I would squeeze his hand with each contraction and our little Liam sat on my lap 'comforting' me until the contractions stopped.

Overall this miscarriage was physically more painful than my first.  Emotionally I'm sad, I wanted this baby and was just starting to get really excited about making Liam a big brother.  I'm truly doing ok though.  I don't feel the deep despair that I felt after we lost our first baby...it's nearly impossible not to smile often when Liam's eyes light up when I come down the stairs or when he discovers something new and is all excited about it.

I have another ultrasound on Monday to confirm that I have passed everything and make sure that I'm physically doing ok so that my body can heal.  I'm slightly concerned about infection and possible retained tissue; due to my immune status I don't fight infections well.  That's my prayer at the moment because that's how I'm processing things, I need my body to get back to it's version of 'normal'. 

18 months

August 2, 2015

Our little guy is 18 months old!  I can hardly believe it!  He's growing and changing so much and we've had a few rough spots in there with some sleep issues and his learning how to be independent.  His favorite things are mommy, milk, daddy, his bulldog, going through drawers and cupboards, opening the dishwasher, helping mommy close things, and climbing.

The climbing, oh the climbing!  Every once in awhile I think my heart might just stop from all the climbing as he's up on the kitchen table or on his downstairs changing table, but alas, my heart has not stopped and he has not fallen...yet.

Setting boundaries is hard.  Some days I feel like I say no 2,498 times and he doesn't hear me and other days I say no just a couple times.  His world got a whole lot bigger in the last few months as he's exploring his surrounding and bringing us into his world.  He marvels at things and is very tactile in learning (totally normal for his age).  We went to the beach on my birthday and he loved playing in the sand, he found some shells, touched the algae, waded through the water and the tiny stream.

A lot of things are more fun at this age and some thing are super frustrating. 

Things that are fun:
1. Making him laugh
2. Having 'conversations'
3. Watching him explore and then come back to me for a quick snuggle
4. Showing him all the things
5. Watching him interact with other kids and adults
6. Watching him play with his bulldog
7. Watching him master new skills, like steps and walking on his tip toes

Things that aren't so fun
1. 18 month sleep regression
2. The stubbornness he gets from his parents
3. Saying no 2,498 times some days
4. Not getting what he's trying to communicate
5. Dealing with cranky baby when he's overtired

All in all?  He's a pretty funny little guy and we are incredibly blessed to be his parents!  Oh and he got his first Sunday School card last week...I nearly cried.  I waited years for this and even though it's hard...it was worth it.  Totally worth it!  Do I miss being able to make a last minute appt and get my hair done?  Yep, totally...but braided hair is totally in and well...bushy eyebrows can be plucked right?

The Exploring

Just a little rest with Mom on her birthday

The Learning: drinking pool water from a bowl

The Learning cont: blowing our nose

It seems I was more excited about getting this wrap back than he was...but he was happy to be close to Mommy

The Learning: drinking from a fountain

The Silly: Telling Mom and Dad that he 'loves us'

The stubborn: I don't want to go to bed, I need to explore, I don't want to wear a diaper, I don't need jammies

He likes to put his lavender rollerball on his cheeks...little does he know it's helping him calm down #momwin

Babywearing: because he's close enough to kiss

Out with friends

Naughty: I found these cookies and I'm going to eat them (and share with my puppies)

The climbing...oh the climbing

He's not impressed, or he's hot...it was 95 that day

First shave ice

Mr. Independent

Mr. Independent who still needs Mom snuggles

The Learning: playing with ice and a ladle and giving our bulldog some ice on a very hot day

He eats like big people now

The 'I'm not tired Mama' wrap nap

Making music with the dishes

The 'I'm going to fight this nap until you wrap me' nap

I just need a little drink of water from the dog bowl; I just want to splash my hands in the bowl

The Exploring: Safely in Downtown Seattle with Daddy by his side

Playing with his Uncle Thomas...and stealing a slice of pizza

The first send home from Sunday School (seriously...all the tears!)

I like this chair better over here, in the living room

My beach birthday!

July 5, 2015

NIt looks like we have a new tradition!  When I was a little girl we often went to the river or lake around my birthday.  My birthday falls very near the 4th of July so it makes total sense to spend the day on the water.  Last year we took Liam to the beach for the first time and he wasn't a huge fan...at all!  Last year it was 93 and the hottest day of the year!

We decided to go in the morning so it wouldn't be so hot and it was a great idea!

This year we went to the Puget Sound on my birthday and Liam loved the water!  We had fun digging with sea shells we found on the beach, we waded in the sound a bit, we chased the crows and the seagulls, and we splashed in a little stream.  It's so much fun to watch his little eyes discover something new!  

I was pretty sore on my birthday from a bit of an RA flare but we still had a lovely time going to the beach, having some yummy pizza, a bit of shopping, a much needed nap, and our most frequented Mexican restaurant.

Family Vacation!

July 5, 2015

On our way to the airport, healthy lunch in tow

He's not thrilled about being in his car seat while on the plane

After nearly an hour of trying to calm him down he finally fell asleep, we were both in tears...it was a miserable flight!

And then he slept through the Las Vegas airport

When putting the pacifier in your mouth keeps him from crying, you put the paci in your mouth

I don't have a perfect body, but this little boy doesn't care one bit!

He had a great time swimming while on vacation

He was so excited to 'jump' in the water, so trusting that we were going to catch him

That was the face we saw when he 'jumped'

Our excursion while on vacation, it was 10am and already nearly 90.  Our trusty Tula kept us moving though

Hanging out with Daddy since it was starting to get hot

Talking to 'grandpa'

He's not nearly as thrilled as I am about the Children's museum

My oldest nephew wearing the youngest baby...it's too cute!

'Swimming' on his tummy

Playing with his cousin who is just 3 months older than him.

Just a little family photo

Children's museum

More fun in the pool

A little nap on Daddy

Getting ready to go hom

Our trusty Tula kept my little bug nice and close in a very busy airport

Our flight from Vegas to home was much much better than our flight to Vegas.      

Every other year my parents take all of us on vacation.  This year we went to Utah.  Utah is pretty much a desert and in the month of June...it's really hot!  We had a lovely time, even if our little bug didn't sleep much.  Here are some photos of our trip!

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