I'm having kind of a hard day today. I haven't really started to fully grieve this loss. I was so focused on having my body heal and taking care of Liam that I left little time to think about the dream that died with our baby. That's why miscarriage is hard, when I saw that second pink line I began dreaming about what Liam would be like as an older brother. I began dreaming (and panicking) about having two babies. I dreamed about what her features would look like, would she be the same combo of Matt and me that Liam is? I dreamed about her personality, would she have my fire? Would she be gentle like her Daddy but with a spine of steel? Would she be inquisitive like Liam? Would Liam teach her how to get into all the things and that one little kiss or snuggle will have Mommy forgiving you?
I don't get to know the answers to those questions and that's hard. The biggest difference between this loss and my first loss is that I have more anger this time around. I can live in a place of anger, anger means energy. Anger means that I have a purpose...but it also means that I shut people out. I've been so angry about this loss that I've taken it out on my family. I've been so angry that I lost a little piece of myself, that piece that makes me, me. So that's been my prayer...that God will take my anger. I don't need it, it's not helping me. It's not doing me any good and it's probably making everything worse.
Unlike my first loss I can still talk to God. After I lost Jeremiah, I couldn't pray. I couldn't think. I could barely breathe. I know that I had friends and family that carried me when I couldn't see. I spend hours some days talking to God but I don't ask Him why. I trust that as my heavenly Father, He truly knows what's best for me. I ask God for rest. I'm having trouble sleeping. It's been slightly better this week but it's still hard to rest. I ask God to take my anger from me. I ask God to give me patience. I ask God to prepare my womb to hold and care for another life. I ask God to prepare my heart to grow again for another child. I thank God for giving us children. I thank God for the children He's going to give us. I ask God to help me be the mother He wants me to be. I pray for Liam's spouse, that God would prepare her heart for him. I pray for my marriage. I thank God for Matt and pray that we will continue to grow in Him. Most of all I pray for God to heal my heart and to help me learn how to be a new me.
I'm not OK, I will be but right now I'm not OK. I don't feel like me, I feel like a very strange version of me that I don't really like.
I can relate to everything you said. While I am not Christian, I do believe in God and I am spiritual. I also do not like who I've become and how black and dark I am on the inside. I hate that the thought of another baby almost makes me resentful, like you shouldn't be here, Emma and Chase should be instead. However, you said something that struck a cord in me. I have to thank God for Emma and Chase. Even if I knew the end would be like it was, I wouldn't change it. I am truly honored and grateful for every minute I had with the two of them. Even though I only feel anger, pain, and sadness that's burying the love and joy that was them deep inside, I know it's there.
ReplyDeleteI'm starting to work on letting go of the guilt and the same as you, to prepare myself for another life. Another baby who will hopefully grow up beside Katie as her brother and sister look down on them both and we all know that one day we will unite, even if the reason for our separation doesn't make sense and isn't fair.
I think about you a lot. I only know loss after Katie, not before. You, sadly, know both. I know Katie has helped and prevented healing. You also have a job. I find I go to work and keep myself busy with work stuff, sure I mourn my babies and think about them, but lets be real, I can't just cry and cry at work, I have to do my job and seem "sane" and "normal". Then I come home and it's family, it's Katie time and DH and chores, etc. Then she goes to bed and there's the chores that can only be done when your toddler isn't running a muck. At the end, there's nothing left for me, no energy to grieve, no chance to think, process, or reflect. I too, don't sleep very much.
I'm never going to say our losses, feelings, or situations are the same because everyone is different. I do recognize the similarities. I'm glad you're working on healing and processing and I hope it happens soon. Please know I'm here for you and you can talk to me at any time. This is hard, it's unfair, and it sucks. Lots of love girl. I'm so sorry.