Ugh!

November 26, 2012

Over the last three years, well five really, I have gained weight.  Body image is a huge issue for me because well I don't know, it's just a huge issue!  I can try and try and try and yet nothing I do seems to bring the weight down.  I want to do exercise excessively to the point where I want to puke but never do because of the elusive 'what if I'm pregnant this month'. 

This month we were going to do our 4th IUI.  I started AF and called to make an appt with my RE's office.  I get to the office for an ultrasound and they find a cyst on my left ovary.  I'm not terribly concerned because I've had cysts before and they always resolve and we start the cycle with meds and what not.  This cyst is a bit different, it seems that this cyst was secreting hormones so cycle canceled.  At first I was a little sad because it meant a very unlikely chance that this cycle would be THE cycle and then I realized that I needed a mental break soooo badly that I wanted to cry!  So I went home and had a glass of wine, Qdoba, and went to bed early.  It was amazing.  So here I am waiting for this cycle to be over so I can start the next one and I got to thinking...maybe I should work on me a little bit.

Here is what working on me entails: allowing my mind to relax to the point where I can actually take care of me, working on my fitness which mean walking on the treadmill at least 3 times a week and actually doing the sit ups that I promise myself I will do everyday, this also means that I will be working on talking to God everyday.  This whole process of trying to become parents and miscarrying and being sad about my body image has made it very difficult to talk to God.  I feel like God has left me (I know this is not true because I know that God will never leave me...that if I feel alone it's because I have walked away from Him). 

So here goes, here's to working on ME!

8 comments:

  1. Big, big hugs Elizabeth. I know it's hard and I know that feeling well of breaking down because my body won't cooperate. I hope taking care of you brings you the peace you deserve and we will both get there....

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    1. We will get I just know it! I have been more relaxed that I have been in a long time and I love it!

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  2. I am so glad that you are taking some time off to focus on you and take care of you. I have a feeling that by the end of this cycle you'll be in a good mental state for moving forward. You are such an amazing and strong person Elizabeth! *hugs* to you!!!

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    1. You're right, I'm in a much better place at the end of my cycle. I'm feeling very at peace with our decision to move forward and am looking for to my appt. with our RE in two weeks!

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  3. ((((hugs)))) sweetheart!! Things will get better...

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  4. It's so easy to lose pieces of yourself when ALL you do is give of yourself in the process. I think you really deserve some YOU time. I have seen pics of you though lady, and you are so stinkin cute, so don't be so hard on yourself please. Doing nice things for yourself is a life saver and you know if it's time to do more of that. I think you will feel a little better once you do. Talking to God will always help. He hasn't forgotten about you!

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    1. Thank-you! I don't feel cute, but thanks for saying so! Talking to God is getting a little easier but I'm still not where I want to be. I'll get there though!

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