On this day one year ago I conceived a son that I carried for 8 weeks. I found out shortly after my birthday (my most favorite day of the year) that I was indeed pregnant. This year on this day I find out that I am indeed not pregnant...again for the 25th month. I watch my friends get pregnant fairly easily and wonder what's wrong with me? Why don't I get to carry a baby to term and hold them in my arms? What did I do wrong? Do I not pray hard enough? Do my tears mean nothing to God? Am I failing some sort of test that God is putting me through? Do I need to give up this dream of being a mother? I don't know the answers to any of those questions but what I know is this...I'm struggling to have faith in God right now and I don't know what to do. I cry out to God because my heart hurts so much and pray for healing and it doesn't come. I cry out and pray for answers and they don't come. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, why my prayers seem to go no where and why this pain just won't leave.
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year, I don't want to do anything anymore. I am so sad and no one really understands. All of my friends here are either pregnant or have children. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be excited when yet another friend tells you that they are pregnant and then to watch their belly grow knowing as you look down at your own that there is nothing in there
Oh Elizabeth, I so get this post. I found out June 27th last year that I was pregnant. Only to miscarry Aug 8th...then need a D&C Aug 18th (2 days after my birthay). It sometimes hurts so bad that I just don't know how to deal with it...and I feel like nothing will fix it until I pregnant again. You are most definitely not alone! Please do not give up...I believe we are ALL going to get our rainbows... <3
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)) darlin... I know it's hard, but don't blame yourself!! I understand what it's like to have everyone around you pregnant, have kids already or some combination - I know it hurts babe, I know it makes you call into question everything in your life... you are loved, and you will be a mother eventually- sometimes those are the only two statements that keep me sane!! <3 ya darlin!!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Elizabeth! I understand the pain and frustration as well as questioning God. On my 30th birthday I was in the middle of mc, so I know the pain that brings. I am praying for you! God is here with us as we walk through this pain. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete