This TWW blows!

This week sucks! The first half of the two week window is always alright and now I question every little thing my body does that might be different than last month.

I had cramping in my uterus from 7dpo-9dpo and then today my pelvis feels like I have done a ton of sit ups. I'm so tired of over thinking everything! I questions if I tested at the right time for the opk's to trigger, I questioned if we had sex on the right days to catch the egg, and I question if I will ever get pregnant again.

I have wanted to be a mommy since I was 12 years old. I don't know what else to be, I know that I'm good at my job, but I want to be more. I want to be the person that when my child hears my voice they calm down and know that I'm his/her mommy. I want to be the person to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my child because they had a bad dream. I want to kiss boo boo's, I want to cry on his/her first day of school. I want to be the proud mama when my kiddo is on the honor roll. I want to celebrate when they get into the college they want. I want to celebrate when they get engaged. I want to see my parents hold my children and see the love in their eyes for my children like I see in their eyes when they hold my sister's and brother's kids.

My TWW

So far in my TWW I have accomplished two things. I have tried two new recipes! The first recipe was: Crab Rangoon Dip

http://www.recklessabandoncook.com/2011/03/crab-rangoon-dip.html

It was alright, I would change a couple things. First I would only add a touch of powdered sugar and double the garlic and it needs a touch of spice. Nothing I had in my cupboard smelled right.

I made my second of three new recipes tonight.

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/09/skinny-baked-broccoli-macaroni-and.html

It's currently in the oven now and smells wonderful! I'm so excited, I've been trying to eat healthier for awhile now but I don't like salads and I wish that I did.

Ah yes, the TWW

So the time comes again where I am in the two week window. The time between ovulation and that hopefully positive pregnancy test. I find myself getting excited over every twinge in my pelvis and every symptom that could be pregnancy.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed when my unwanted friend shows up. So this month I'm trying something different. I'm going to start myself a Bible study. I went to the Christian book store today and got a new devotional! Proverbs 31 woman. I so want to be the 'perfect' wife for Matt because well...he super cute and I'm a lucky girl to have him. So here goes...here's to two weeks filled with God's presence and hopefully a positive pregnancy test and healthy pregnancy.

Here is my goal list for this two week window:

1. Start new Bible study

2. Finish my blanket

3. Exercise at least 3-5 days a week for 30 min.

4. Find at three new recipes to try

5. Clean house!

Heartbreak

Today marks 6 months since I miscarried our son.  Today is also would have been my grandmothers 93rd birthday.  I am finding today that I wish I could just talk to Grandma for 10 minutes.  Just to hear her say, 'It's going to be alright'.  I know in my head that God will always provide for my needs and I trust that that is true.  My heart is taking a little longer to catch up though.  Today as I was driving back from Ft. Collins I was listening to two songs and tears came to my eyes as I heard God's promises through them.  The first song was 'I Will Rise' by Chris Tomlin.  I'm not a Chris Tomlin fan but I love this song.


This is the chorus:
And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise 


Some day when I get to heaven there will be no more sorrow and no more pain.  I will have a new shiny body that doesn't hurt and doesn't swell and I will meet my son.  Until then I have the promise to stand on.


The other song I was listening to was 'Praise You in This Storm' by Casting Crowns.  I loved this song when it first came out, but after my miscarriage this song took on a whole new meaning.


I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

This song reminds me that even when I am in the midst of a storm, God is still with me.  Even when I feel like God has left me He's with me and I CAN praise Him through this storm and I CAN lift my hands because He has never left me.