April 21-27 is National Infertility Week. I saw this week last year and hoped not to see it again this year but alas here we are in infertility week again. Infertility affects more people than most people realize. Some people keep quiet and have feeling of shame or embarrassment. Others voice their pain through social media like I do. In my mind, the more that people are aware of what it's like to want something so badly and when you do everything right and you still don't get the one thing you want. Or when you see that beautiful second line on a pregnancy test and the joy and excitement you feel that it's finally your turn only to have it taken away from you 4 short weeks later.
I'm very thankful that through this journey I have the support of my husband. There is no man that will walk the road of infertility with their wife if he doesn't want to be there. It is a hard road filled with pain (both literally and emotionally). With each new treatment plan comes new pain. With each treatment plan that fails you lose hope that your dream will ever come true.
That is where I am today, on a new treatment plan and rapidly losing hope.
Here is the website for national infertility awareness week. I hope that if you are reading this blog that you will do something to help either by supporting this organization, posting it on your blog because you have a friend of a friend who is suffering from infertility, or just by praying for the thousands of woman who are going through this on a daily basis.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html
Blah!
April 3, 2013
I'm way overtired and that is making me very emotional! Feeling sorry for myself and wishing that things were different, that I'd decided my major sooner, that I'd have starting trying to have kids sooner, that my body was healthier and didn't swell and hurt all the time. I know this is all in God's plan but it's so hard to keep running a race where the only thing you know for certain is that in the end you will go to heaven.
I've been working far too much this week and my body is protesting very loudly in the fact that my normal morning swelling that goes down after an hour or so is not going down. My body is tired and my mind is getting cranky.
I wonder if I will ever have a child that has my DNA. I believe that God is much much bigger than my uterus and that God can give Matt and I a child if it's in His will.
I actually walked out of my work break room yesterday because people were talking about breastfeeding and their experiences with it. I wanted to cry. Then I was angry with myself for being bitter that other women were able to have children and that they had the opportunity to breastfeed. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be angry. I pray that if God chooses that Matt and I are not to have children that He takes the desire away from us. I don't understand why I have this desire if so far nothing has worked to help us get pregnant.
I'm bummed that I missed church on Easter Sunday (one of my favorite holidays) because I had to work. I'm sure that the families we helped that day are thankful that I missed church to be there...I just feel like it should have been my turn to re-charge, my turn to praise God for sending His son to die on a cross with my sin on His shoulders. Then I remember that I have that opportunity each day to thank God for that sacrifice and to praise God for salvation.
There are days upon days where I just feel numb to the world around me and then there are days, like today, where I feel so emotional and I just want to retreat from the world a bit. Maybe I haven't dealt with our failed IVF attempt. I cried for two days, I retreated to just Matt and me for two days and then had a wonderful family vacation where I was able to cry to my mom and dad. I feel like the failed IVF was a bump in the road and not a complete roadblock.
Anyhow, I've been rambling so I should stop now and think about heading to bed. It's already been a long week and I have to work a bit tomorrow. My brain feels fried, my body is beat but I need to learn this new charting system since we go live this weekend. Thankfully I'm getting a facial on Friday and a deep tissue massage on Sunday...I'm literally counting the hours!
I've been working far too much this week and my body is protesting very loudly in the fact that my normal morning swelling that goes down after an hour or so is not going down. My body is tired and my mind is getting cranky.
I wonder if I will ever have a child that has my DNA. I believe that God is much much bigger than my uterus and that God can give Matt and I a child if it's in His will.
I actually walked out of my work break room yesterday because people were talking about breastfeeding and their experiences with it. I wanted to cry. Then I was angry with myself for being bitter that other women were able to have children and that they had the opportunity to breastfeed. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be angry. I pray that if God chooses that Matt and I are not to have children that He takes the desire away from us. I don't understand why I have this desire if so far nothing has worked to help us get pregnant.
I'm bummed that I missed church on Easter Sunday (one of my favorite holidays) because I had to work. I'm sure that the families we helped that day are thankful that I missed church to be there...I just feel like it should have been my turn to re-charge, my turn to praise God for sending His son to die on a cross with my sin on His shoulders. Then I remember that I have that opportunity each day to thank God for that sacrifice and to praise God for salvation.
There are days upon days where I just feel numb to the world around me and then there are days, like today, where I feel so emotional and I just want to retreat from the world a bit. Maybe I haven't dealt with our failed IVF attempt. I cried for two days, I retreated to just Matt and me for two days and then had a wonderful family vacation where I was able to cry to my mom and dad. I feel like the failed IVF was a bump in the road and not a complete roadblock.
Anyhow, I've been rambling so I should stop now and think about heading to bed. It's already been a long week and I have to work a bit tomorrow. My brain feels fried, my body is beat but I need to learn this new charting system since we go live this weekend. Thankfully I'm getting a facial on Friday and a deep tissue massage on Sunday...I'm literally counting the hours!
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