Christmas 2011

This Christmas I am thinking of the belly I don't have. I was supposed to have this big belly at Christmastime, be able to feel the baby move, and know if I was having a boy or girl. Well God decided otherwise for me and His timing is always perfect even though the pain sucks! I had this passing thought this evening as to why losing a baby hurts so much...does God want us to know a little bit of the pain He felt when he sacrificed His only Son so that we might have eternal life? That was a passing thought as I'm trying to find a reason for this hurt. I might add that it is not wise to ask God to bring you closer to Him while pregnant. He will grant you your heart's desire, only not in the way you were thinking.

I found this while searching babycenter.com.

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied

With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,

God I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile with other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are ok

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

Visitors

Unexpected visitors are the best! Mom and Dad came in September. I needed my mom and dad this week while I'm still grieving the loss of our baby. Not so much that I needed my mom to help me grieve but I needed to know that it's still ok for me to grieve. I needed to be a daughter this week that is comforted by my mom and dad because being an adult sucks sometimes. As I make my way through this process I find that I trust in God's plan for my life. As difficult as that is to say and to follow I know that God has a plan for my life that may or may not include children that I give birth to. God knows the desires of my heart and I know that His plan is perfect.

I had made a list of things that I wanted to accomplish before my parents came, not knowing that they were coming, things that need to be done a couple times a year like wiping down walls, dusting the mopboards, cleaning windows and screens, and washing out trashcans...yes washing out the receptacles that contain trash. My mother added to this list cleaning out my cupboards and my fridge, little did she know that this had been on the 'things to do before the baby comes' list. I suppose like mother like daughter :)

I enjoyed talking to my mom about some of her favorite Psalms. I kept thinking that she had said Psalm 91 and while I was waiting for my mother to text back I was reading Psalm 91. I found these verses: Psalms 91: 1-2: He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust!'

So even in my sorrow my God is taking care of me. When I'm feeling out of control in my life, my God is putting me right where I need to be...with Him! What a great and mighty God we serve!

My mom finally texted me back and said Psalm 92 so I read that one too. Psalm 92: 1-2 (seems like a theme eh?) 'It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; to declare your lovingkindness in the morning and your faithfulness by night, with the ten-stringed lute and with the harp with resounding music upon the lyre. For you, O Lord, have made me glad by what you have done, I will sing for joy at the works of your hands'

I'm getting to the point where I can give thanks to God for small things in my life even though I hurt I praise God for the sun shining, for the rain, for the snow, for having a job, for my current health, for the difficulties in my life because God has used them to bring me closer to Him. I now know without any doubt that God is bigger than my uterus!

Stages of grief

In nursing school we had a death and dying class where we talked about the honor of caring for patients as they are dying. One of the things that we talked about in this class was helping our patients go through the stages of grief. The Kubler-Ross model outlines the stages that people may go through as they are grieving either for their own upcoming death, a loved one's death, or any significant life change. Stages are not necessarily gone through in order and there is no set time for each stage and after completing a stage you may go back to any given stage at any given time.

The first stage in denial, yep went through that stage and it lasted about 12 hours.

The second stage is anger, going through that stage right now. 18 months of trying to have a baby and it finally happens...8 weeks later...gone. Now we're back at square two, not square one because we now know that my body is capable of conceiving.

The third stage is bargaining, yep did that and felt guilty for asking God to save our baby even as I prayed for God's will upon our baby

The fourth stage is depression, yep been there I don't think I had a real smile at work or home for about two weeks.

The fifth stage and final stage is acceptance, been there already...there was nothing that I could do to change what happened so I may as well accept it and it was very painful to do so.

May you always have a childlike faith

'Don't let your heart be hardened - don't let your love grow cold
May it always stay so childlike - may it never grow too old
Don't let your heart be hardened - may you always know the cure
Keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure

May it always feel compassion - may it beat as one with God's
May it never be contrary - may it never be at odds
May it always be forgiving - may it never know conceit
May it always be encouraged - may it never know defeat

May your heart be always open - never satisfied with right
May your heat be filled with courage and strengthened with all might

Let His love rain down upon you
Breaking up your fallow ground
Let it lossen all the binding
Till only tenderness is found'

Petra...

When I was younger, about 11 or 12, I used to 'borrow' my older brother's Petra tape. I listened to about three songs on that tape, but this song was my favorite. I haven't heard this song in years but today this song has been stuck in my head! Enjoy!

My Jakey has a first name it's J-A-K-E-Y

This is my Jake. I got Jake when he was about six weeks old from the humane society in Sioux Falls, SD. Jake had been part of a litter of puppies whose owner had been deployed. The humane society had named him "Liberty"

Yeah...that wasn't going to work for us. So the name search began. The first night that I had him he didn't like me...not even a little bit. He slept in my room at my parents house and cried all night long. Every time he cried I would say, "say that's enough now" and he would quiet for a bit. To this day every time I say "say" he quiets down and pays attention to me.

I think it took about three days to name him and nothing really seemed to sound right. Finally Jake came up and he seemed to like it. So Jake became his name. Jake and I really started to bond after he had a name and things started looking up. He and I have been through a lot in the last seven and half years and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

When I found out that I was pregnant I told Jake first! I was so excited to be able to share this with him! Shortly after I found out I was pregnant we found a lump on Jake's neck. We had this lump excised, we waited for almost a week to hear what this lump was...seriously this was one of the longest weeks of my life. The vet called and said that it was a lymphosarcoma. Ok as long as we had clean margins. Whew! What a relief, my friend was going to be ok!

When I found out that I lost our baby Jake wouldn't talk to me at...all. I was crushed! We had been through so much and when I needed him the most he wouldn't even talk to me! It took a day or so but he finally came around. I took this picture with photo booth on my computer. He's been checking on me since then to make sure that I'm ok. It seems that God knew how much I needed the comfort of my friend!

Through the pain of losing our baby I am finding so many things to be thankful for. First that God allowed me to conceive a child. Second that I went into remission with my RA, Third that I was able to have a complete miscarriage. We have been very blessed even in our pain and I can't express how thankful I am for family and friends and a God who knows my sorrow and comforts me even when I can't find words to cry out.

It's the little things

It's the little things in life that make life better. It's the chicken soup that makes me feel better when I'm sick. It's seeing the sun when I wake up knowing that without God it's not possible. It's seeing the smile on my husbands face when I tell him I love him. It's coming home to a happy springer dog who has been waiting all day for his master to come home. It's my husband knowing that a cup of coffee is just the thing I needed. It's hearing your mother's voice say, it's going to be ok when you feel like you failed because you lost your child. It's knowing that I have a savior who died to save me and interferes on my behalf, not that I deserve it but because he loves me.

Thus far

Eighteen days ago I lost our first child. I had some inkling that I was going to miscarry but I hoped that I wouldn't. The moment I found out I was pregnant was before I went to work on July 14. I called Matt and asked him to come home. He guessed right away that I was pregnant. We were excited and scared because at the time we didn't know if I would ever be able to conceive. We were scared because we weren't expecting to conceive and weren't sure how my body would react to it.

After I got over the initial shock of being pregnant I started to be more excited. I immediately looked at my diet and made sure that I was eating good healthy food to help our little bean grow to be a strong child.

When I was about six weeks along my doctor did an ultrasound to confirm intrauterine pregnancy and to see what we saw. We saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac but no fetal pole. Not terribly concerning because I wasn't exactly six weeks. I started to bleed about a week later and called the doctor who wasn't terribly concerned because it wasn't bright red. A few days later I started to bleed, I knew what was happening and I was crushed. I prayed for strength to endure what was happening, I prayed for a miracle, and I prayed for God's will on our child.

After I lost our son, I believed that he was a boy from the moment I found out we were pregnant, I sobbed. I felt so empty without our small bean growing in my womb. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. My dream died when our baby died.

Now I'm frightened to try again because what if the same thing happens? What if I'm not able to carry a baby to term and will never have a child of my own.

I know that losing our baby was in God's plan, but it still hurts. I had asked God to draw me closer to Him and if this is the way that he is giving me what I asked for then so be it. I will give praise to the maker of heaven and earth for letting me conceive and carry a child if only for a few weeks.