I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 2006. At that time I wasn't looking at having a baby so I wasn't worried about the consequences of taking medicines to help the RA. When Matt and I started this journey to become parents I knew that the medicine I was taking was considered safe while we were trying and safe while pregnant but until today I thought it was not safe for breastfeeding. I was initially told that I could only be off the enbrel for 6 weeks postpartum to breastfeed and then had to go back on because RA can come back with a vengeance after pregnancy. Today on one of the babycenter message boards (the RA board actually) there was a message about how enbrel is now considered safe while breastfeeding! This means that I can breastfeed as long as I or baby wants to!! I can't even begin to express how excited I am about this, my only prayer now is that I will indeed conceive a baby and that the enbrel will continue to work for me!
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a36372355/enbrel_while_bf_-_newgood_information_on_safety?cpg=1&csi=2395257082&pd=1
Sometimes dreams are painful!
September 12, 2012
Last night I had a wonderful and bittersweet dream. I dreamt that my parents, brother's family, sister's family and all three of our dogs went out to Platte, SD to see Grandma. When we got there Grandma welcomed us with very open arms and delicious caramel rolls and gingersnap cookies! Then Charlie ran across the street to Grandma's neighbors house and I chased him around the house and finally caught him on the neighbors porch. I brought him back to Grandma's house because it was Sunday and well...Sunday is church day! We all took separate cars to church and Matt and I rode with Grandma. On her dash board it said 'remember that I will always love you'
We got to church (it took about 2 min because Platte is really small!) and all 16 of us took up an entire pew.
I remember the days of sitting in church next to Grandma and I woke up sad because I know it will be a little while until I get to see her again.
We got to church (it took about 2 min because Platte is really small!) and all 16 of us took up an entire pew.
I remember the days of sitting in church next to Grandma and I woke up sad because I know it will be a little while until I get to see her again.
August 10th
August 11, 2012
One year ago I miscarried a baby that I believed was a boy. That day was the most painful day of my life. I remember going to the doctor knowing that I was bleeding and cramping and knowing that I was either in the process of miscarrying or had miscarried. Matt and I went into the ultrasound room where our doctor (who didn't turn the screen away from me...and for that I have been very thankful!) looking inside my uterus, I looked at the screen and saw NOTHING. There was NOTHING in my uterus. The little baby I saw two weeks before was gone. She hugged me and said she was sorry (she meant it!) and left me to get dressed. She sent me to have HCG levels drawn to make sure that my body was going to return to normal. At the time there was a lab in the same building so Matt and I went downstairs to the lab where I sat and cried. The lab gal called me back, looked at the lab she needed to draw, saw my tears and figured out what was happening. She was very kind and gentle with me and told me how sorry she was.
Matt and I went home and after lunch he went to his doctor's appointment and I went outside to water my flowers. As I was out there I thought to myself, I need to go to the store, I don't have any pads and I need stamps! I went back in the house, picked up my car keys and was going to go to the car when I panicked! I was so frightened to go anywhere alone, so I waited for Matt to get home and we went to the store. I remember feeling so ashamed and not 'safe'. My body had failed me. I couldn't talk to anyone that wasn't Matt, I couldn't talk to my mom, anyone in my family, any of my friends, and most importantly I couldn't talk to God. I sent a text message to my mom and my best friend telling them that I had lost our baby and even as I typed the message I felt so much shame.
Matt stayed home with me for the rest of that day and the next day and then he went to work for a bit on Friday. I called my mom because panic had started to set in, I was alone and didn't feel safe. Mom told me that I was ok and to have Matt come home so I texted him and told him to please take me somewhere to do something so I could get out of the house, he came right home and we went to a mall down in Colorado.
I went back to work the following Monday and tried not to freak out. About halfway through the day I was starting to panic and I asked my boss if I could go home to my Matt where it was safe. She had been through a miscarriage when she was my age and kinda knew what I was going through. She let me go home and I cried some more. The next couple of weeks I found that I only felt 'safe' when I was with Matt. If Matt wasn't near me, I started to panic.
Over the last year I have faced many milestones, 20 weeks, where we would've found out the sex of our baby, our first Thanksgiving where we would've had a baby bump to show off, Christmas, our due date, Mother's Day, Father's Day, the day I conceived, the day I found out I was pregnant, and now the day that I miscarried. This last year has been both a physical struggle as we've tried to conceive again, the emotional struggle as my heart aches, and the spiritual struggle where I have really struggled to find God in this pain and to trust that God's plan is much better than what I ever imagined.
I don't know if children are in Matt and my future, I pray that they are. I feel like God would not have put the desire in my heart to be a mother if I wasn't meant to have my own children. I know that I have changed in this journey to become a parent and I know that it's not all for the better but I am thankful that God gave me a partner to travel this journey with who puts up with my sudden bursts of anger, joy, anguish, and tears.
When I woke up this morning and thought about what today means, I found that as I looked back on the events of the day I felt a certain amount of sadness, but not the earth shattering sadness I felt last year. I have prayed for healing and it's here. I know that when I think of the day I miscarried I will always feel sad, but I see it as a sign of progress that I don't want to crawl in my bed and escape the world awhile.
I am a work in progress and I pray that God will continue to help me grow, even if I do fight every step along the way!
Matt and I went home and after lunch he went to his doctor's appointment and I went outside to water my flowers. As I was out there I thought to myself, I need to go to the store, I don't have any pads and I need stamps! I went back in the house, picked up my car keys and was going to go to the car when I panicked! I was so frightened to go anywhere alone, so I waited for Matt to get home and we went to the store. I remember feeling so ashamed and not 'safe'. My body had failed me. I couldn't talk to anyone that wasn't Matt, I couldn't talk to my mom, anyone in my family, any of my friends, and most importantly I couldn't talk to God. I sent a text message to my mom and my best friend telling them that I had lost our baby and even as I typed the message I felt so much shame.
Matt stayed home with me for the rest of that day and the next day and then he went to work for a bit on Friday. I called my mom because panic had started to set in, I was alone and didn't feel safe. Mom told me that I was ok and to have Matt come home so I texted him and told him to please take me somewhere to do something so I could get out of the house, he came right home and we went to a mall down in Colorado.
I went back to work the following Monday and tried not to freak out. About halfway through the day I was starting to panic and I asked my boss if I could go home to my Matt where it was safe. She had been through a miscarriage when she was my age and kinda knew what I was going through. She let me go home and I cried some more. The next couple of weeks I found that I only felt 'safe' when I was with Matt. If Matt wasn't near me, I started to panic.
Over the last year I have faced many milestones, 20 weeks, where we would've found out the sex of our baby, our first Thanksgiving where we would've had a baby bump to show off, Christmas, our due date, Mother's Day, Father's Day, the day I conceived, the day I found out I was pregnant, and now the day that I miscarried. This last year has been both a physical struggle as we've tried to conceive again, the emotional struggle as my heart aches, and the spiritual struggle where I have really struggled to find God in this pain and to trust that God's plan is much better than what I ever imagined.
I don't know if children are in Matt and my future, I pray that they are. I feel like God would not have put the desire in my heart to be a mother if I wasn't meant to have my own children. I know that I have changed in this journey to become a parent and I know that it's not all for the better but I am thankful that God gave me a partner to travel this journey with who puts up with my sudden bursts of anger, joy, anguish, and tears.
When I woke up this morning and thought about what today means, I found that as I looked back on the events of the day I felt a certain amount of sadness, but not the earth shattering sadness I felt last year. I have prayed for healing and it's here. I know that when I think of the day I miscarried I will always feel sad, but I see it as a sign of progress that I don't want to crawl in my bed and escape the world awhile.
I am a work in progress and I pray that God will continue to help me grow, even if I do fight every step along the way!
Things you shouldn't say to an infertile woman
July 24, 2012
Just a thought for those of you that may not know what to say...these are things that are super hurtful to women (me) with my comments
10 Things You Should Not Say to a Friend Experiencing Infertility
1. Pregnant yet? If your friend is pregnant, she'll tell you when she's ready. Don't keep asking her how it's going. Let her tell you in her own time. (seriously?!? why would you ask me that?)
2. It could be worse. To a couple who wants children, it really can't be worse. (we've done worse already, feeling like less of a woman because I can't conceive a child is the worst I've ever felt)
3. Haven't you done enough? It is up to your friend to determine when enough is enough. (really?!? who are you God?)
4. Focus on the other parts of your life. This is really tough for a woman with infertility problems to do. For some women, her desire for a child becomes her life. (what other part of my life? I've wanted to be a mother since I was 14 years old)
5. Think of all the fun things you can do if you don't have children. If the couple didn't want children, they would not be going to the trouble they are to have them. (ummm...really? insensitive much?)
6. How much is this costing you? This is none of your business! (how much is your mortgage, how much did you pay for that crappy haircut, really how RUDE!)
7. Are you sure you chose the best doctor? Don't question your friend's medical choice unless she asks your opinion. (who are you to determine that? At least I'm a nurse!)
8. Just relax. Infertility is a medical condition, not a psychological one. (Relax? pretty sure sperm has to meet egg, that's a pretty intense process and that has to be some sort of activity that precedes sperm meeting egg)
9. You can always adopt. The couple already knows this. They are going through the expense and trouble of infertility treatments because that is the path they have chosen. At some point they may consider adoption, but not now. (so because we're having trouble having a baby that means that we don't deserve to have a biological child of our own?)
10. When my friend couldn't get pregnant... Your friend doesn't need to hear what worked for other people. Her efforts to conceive are hers alone. (don't care what your friend did, did she have Hashimoto's disease, endometriosis, and Rheumatoid arthritis? didn't think so, whatever it is, I've probably tried it anyway)
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/10-things-never-friend-coping-infertility-192700548.html
10 Things You Should Not Say to a Friend Experiencing Infertility
1. Pregnant yet? If your friend is pregnant, she'll tell you when she's ready. Don't keep asking her how it's going. Let her tell you in her own time. (seriously?!? why would you ask me that?)
2. It could be worse. To a couple who wants children, it really can't be worse. (we've done worse already, feeling like less of a woman because I can't conceive a child is the worst I've ever felt)
3. Haven't you done enough? It is up to your friend to determine when enough is enough. (really?!? who are you God?)
4. Focus on the other parts of your life. This is really tough for a woman with infertility problems to do. For some women, her desire for a child becomes her life. (what other part of my life? I've wanted to be a mother since I was 14 years old)
5. Think of all the fun things you can do if you don't have children. If the couple didn't want children, they would not be going to the trouble they are to have them. (ummm...really? insensitive much?)
6. How much is this costing you? This is none of your business! (how much is your mortgage, how much did you pay for that crappy haircut, really how RUDE!)
7. Are you sure you chose the best doctor? Don't question your friend's medical choice unless she asks your opinion. (who are you to determine that? At least I'm a nurse!)
8. Just relax. Infertility is a medical condition, not a psychological one. (Relax? pretty sure sperm has to meet egg, that's a pretty intense process and that has to be some sort of activity that precedes sperm meeting egg)
9. You can always adopt. The couple already knows this. They are going through the expense and trouble of infertility treatments because that is the path they have chosen. At some point they may consider adoption, but not now. (so because we're having trouble having a baby that means that we don't deserve to have a biological child of our own?)
10. When my friend couldn't get pregnant... Your friend doesn't need to hear what worked for other people. Her efforts to conceive are hers alone. (don't care what your friend did, did she have Hashimoto's disease, endometriosis, and Rheumatoid arthritis? didn't think so, whatever it is, I've probably tried it anyway)
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/10-things-never-friend-coping-infertility-192700548.html
Starting another cycle and feeling rather down
July 24, 2012
I was so hopeful that it would be our turn! We had some amazing 'practice' sessions, my body seems to be working much better now and I was so relaxed through this cycle.
I don't feel as disappointed as I did last month, but I still feel like crying and still wish that I was in fact carrying Matt's kiddo.
I don't feel as disappointed as I did last month, but I still feel like crying and still wish that I was in fact carrying Matt's kiddo.
July 14th
July 15, 2012
This is a day I remember well. I was just getting up for the day, realized that I was one day late and thought to myself I wonder if I'm pregnant. Probably not, for the last 18 months I have taken pregnancy tests and they have always been negative so I got up, went to the bathroom and didn't test. I ended up falling back asleep and had a dream that I would have a positive pregnancy test, I woke up shortly after that and decided to try it. Now you're supposed to have at least a 4 hour hold before you use a home pregnancy test and I think I had maybe an hour. I got up, took out a pregnancy test pee on it and slowly watch the two pink lines show up. I'm pretty sure the first words out of my mouth were 'oh shit'. I tried calling Matt to have him come home and he guessed right away. He ended up coming over to the OR as I was getting to work so he could hug me and see how I was doing. I called my mom and my dad and told them and they were so excited! I remember even at the time something just didn't feel right and I thought it was just because I had never been pregnant before. Turns out my instincts are rarely wrong and I just need to listen to them more often!
This year on this day I got up, thought to myself it's too early to test and see if I am pregnant or not and then Matt and I went down to Boulder to shop for a bit. I don't feel bitter anymore, just sad. My prayer is always that God will bless us with a baby that we can take home and raise.
Our sermon this morning was on rest, do you find your rest in God or are you constantly trying to do just one more thing because you think it will make God happy? I remember after I miscarried that I couldn't find rest and I couldn't talk to God because I was so sad, I felt like a zombie going through the motions and waiting for the pain to stop. It has taken me several months to learn how to cry out to God and pour out myself at His feet, but here I am just a week past ovulation crying out to God praying that our timing this month was good and that in a few days He will bless us with good news.
"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
This year on this day I got up, thought to myself it's too early to test and see if I am pregnant or not and then Matt and I went down to Boulder to shop for a bit. I don't feel bitter anymore, just sad. My prayer is always that God will bless us with a baby that we can take home and raise.
Our sermon this morning was on rest, do you find your rest in God or are you constantly trying to do just one more thing because you think it will make God happy? I remember after I miscarried that I couldn't find rest and I couldn't talk to God because I was so sad, I felt like a zombie going through the motions and waiting for the pain to stop. It has taken me several months to learn how to cry out to God and pour out myself at His feet, but here I am just a week past ovulation crying out to God praying that our timing this month was good and that in a few days He will bless us with good news.
"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28
On this day
June 22, 2012
On this day one year ago I conceived a son that I carried for 8 weeks. I found out shortly after my birthday (my most favorite day of the year) that I was indeed pregnant. This year on this day I find out that I am indeed not pregnant...again for the 25th month. I watch my friends get pregnant fairly easily and wonder what's wrong with me? Why don't I get to carry a baby to term and hold them in my arms? What did I do wrong? Do I not pray hard enough? Do my tears mean nothing to God? Am I failing some sort of test that God is putting me through? Do I need to give up this dream of being a mother? I don't know the answers to any of those questions but what I know is this...I'm struggling to have faith in God right now and I don't know what to do. I cry out to God because my heart hurts so much and pray for healing and it doesn't come. I cry out and pray for answers and they don't come. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, why my prayers seem to go no where and why this pain just won't leave.
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year, I don't want to do anything anymore. I am so sad and no one really understands. All of my friends here are either pregnant or have children. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be excited when yet another friend tells you that they are pregnant and then to watch their belly grow knowing as you look down at your own that there is nothing in there
I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year, I don't want to do anything anymore. I am so sad and no one really understands. All of my friends here are either pregnant or have children. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be excited when yet another friend tells you that they are pregnant and then to watch their belly grow knowing as you look down at your own that there is nothing in there
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