30 day challenge!

For the next 30 days I'm going to do this challenge to keep my mind busy and not thinking about impending IVF :)

Picture Challenge - 30 Day

1.  You
2.  What you eat
3.  Something you love
4.  Your abode
5.  Something you wear
6.  Something that makes you smile
7.  Your favorite quote
8.  Your sky
9.  Adventure
10. Childhood memory
11. Blue
12. Reflection
13. Light
14. Reading
15. Something that makes you happy
16. Something you see every morning
17. Water
18. Meditation
19. Sweet
20. Someone you love
21. Dreams
22. Warm
23. Something old
24. Guilty pleasure
25. Homemade
26. Your favorite color
27. Happiness
28. Your sunset
29. Close up
30. Nature

Christmas and babies

This year for Christmas I only want one thing...IVF.  Sounds weird right?  I believe that our chance to have biological children lies in going through with IVF.  Matt and I had our consult yesterday and we are going ahead with IVF.  I'm not going to say when because it's a stressful enough event anyway...but I hope that it works for us!

The meeting consisted of our doctor going through the risks associated with IVF.  Some of the risks include ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, blood clot, birth defects, miscarriage, and that this won't work for us.  The birth defects are similar to the general population and really and truly something Matt and I are not concerned about.  We truly believe that if God blesses us with a child it will be a child that we are meant to have whether that be a child that is perfectly healthy or a child that is not.

I'm both nervous and excited that we are going ahead with this journey and it's taken a long time to be able to wrap my head around the fact that this might be our only chance to have biological children.  Since I'm not the healthiest of women I'm slightly more frightened than excited.  I watched my best friend go through IVF and it was difficult for her and emotional and all those things you go through when you feel like something is your last shot.

My hearts desire is to have my own biological children and I believe that God will answer my prayer!  I'm so excited for my break from all this for a little while to take care of my body, my mind, and my soul.  I feel like this break will help me prepare for the difficulty ahead!

Did I mention I pretty much gave up coffee?  Yeah, I gave up caffeine a few months ago and noticed that I sleep better in general...but with the addition of fertility meds for three months I gained 10lbs.  Not a big deal but, it's good to get myself off of extra calories that I don't need.  I had a small latte yesterday and otherwise have been drinking tea with honey (soooo good!).  So far, I feel less bloated :)

Ugh!

Over the last three years, well five really, I have gained weight.  Body image is a huge issue for me because well I don't know, it's just a huge issue!  I can try and try and try and yet nothing I do seems to bring the weight down.  I want to do exercise excessively to the point where I want to puke but never do because of the elusive 'what if I'm pregnant this month'. 

This month we were going to do our 4th IUI.  I started AF and called to make an appt with my RE's office.  I get to the office for an ultrasound and they find a cyst on my left ovary.  I'm not terribly concerned because I've had cysts before and they always resolve and we start the cycle with meds and what not.  This cyst is a bit different, it seems that this cyst was secreting hormones so cycle canceled.  At first I was a little sad because it meant a very unlikely chance that this cycle would be THE cycle and then I realized that I needed a mental break soooo badly that I wanted to cry!  So I went home and had a glass of wine, Qdoba, and went to bed early.  It was amazing.  So here I am waiting for this cycle to be over so I can start the next one and I got to thinking...maybe I should work on me a little bit.

Here is what working on me entails: allowing my mind to relax to the point where I can actually take care of me, working on my fitness which mean walking on the treadmill at least 3 times a week and actually doing the sit ups that I promise myself I will do everyday, this also means that I will be working on talking to God everyday.  This whole process of trying to become parents and miscarrying and being sad about my body image has made it very difficult to talk to God.  I feel like God has left me (I know this is not true because I know that God will never leave me...that if I feel alone it's because I have walked away from Him). 

So here goes, here's to working on ME!

Thanksgiving 2012

This year for Thanksgiving Matt and I did a first.  We spent it with Anna, Thomas, and Megan out in Seattle. 

We had a wonderful time and needed the time for rest and relaxation and no talk of having children.  After the past few months of fertility drugs, lots of ultrasounds, and three IUI's that were unsuccessful and all the emotions and tears that go with that I needed a break from anything related to children and fertility.  The thought of seeing my 7 nieces and nephews actually brought me to my knees in pain because I am the sister unable to conceive and I am the sister who was unable to carry a baby to term.  Now logically I understand that my family does not see me in this way but emotionally I do feel like a broken woman

For the 5 days that we were in Seattle there were no expectations for Matt or I on anything.  I didn't think about fertility or my lack of fertility as more than a passing thought each day.  My days were filled with coffee...lots and lots of decaf coffee, walking around Redmond, and discovering yummy places to eat.  There was lots of laughter and talk of the 'Skillman' similarities and talk of movies, and comics, and tv shows, and rain.  There was rain every day that we were there except for Thursday.  It was pure bliss!  My only regret was that I don't own any rainboots (something I will quickly remedy).  I have a thing where I don't like my feet to be wet or my head...but I love the feel of the rain on my face and the smell of the rain.  It makes everything smell so fresh!

All in all this was a wonderful trip and a trip we will hopefully be making soon!

I need a hero!

Or a miracle, one of the two.  I need to stop wishing for a baby so much because I don't know if it's actually going to happen.  I feel like I should hire a trainer because I am no longer comfortable in my own skin and no longer comfortable being me.

I'm at the end of yet another cycle that hasn't resulted in a baby and I'm weary oh so weary.  It's time to take control of my life and focus on something else for awhile.

Good news!!

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 2006.  At that time I wasn't looking at having a baby so I wasn't worried about the consequences of taking medicines to help the RA.  When Matt and I started this journey to become parents I knew that the medicine I was taking was considered safe while we were trying and safe while pregnant but until today I thought it was not safe for breastfeeding.  I was initially told that I could only be off the enbrel for 6 weeks postpartum to breastfeed and then had to go back on because RA can come back with a vengeance after pregnancy.  Today on one of the babycenter message boards (the RA board actually) there was a message about how enbrel is now considered safe while breastfeeding!  This means that I can breastfeed as long as I or baby wants to!!  I can't even begin to express how excited I am about this, my only prayer now is that I will indeed conceive a baby and that the enbrel will continue to work for me!

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a36372355/enbrel_while_bf_-_newgood_information_on_safety?cpg=1&csi=2395257082&pd=1

Sometimes dreams are painful!

Last night I had a wonderful and bittersweet dream.  I dreamt that my parents, brother's family, sister's family and all three of our dogs went out to Platte, SD to see Grandma.  When we got there Grandma welcomed us with very open arms and delicious caramel rolls and gingersnap cookies!  Then Charlie ran across the street to Grandma's neighbors house and I chased him around the house and finally caught him on the neighbors porch.  I brought him back to Grandma's house because it was Sunday and well...Sunday is church day!  We all took separate cars to  church and Matt and I rode with Grandma.  On her dash board it said 'remember that I will always love you'

We got to church (it took about 2 min because Platte is really small!) and all 16 of us took up an entire pew.

I remember the days of sitting in church next to Grandma and I woke up sad because I know it will be a little while until I get to see her again.