Ugh!

Over the last three years, well five really, I have gained weight.  Body image is a huge issue for me because well I don't know, it's just a huge issue!  I can try and try and try and yet nothing I do seems to bring the weight down.  I want to do exercise excessively to the point where I want to puke but never do because of the elusive 'what if I'm pregnant this month'. 

This month we were going to do our 4th IUI.  I started AF and called to make an appt with my RE's office.  I get to the office for an ultrasound and they find a cyst on my left ovary.  I'm not terribly concerned because I've had cysts before and they always resolve and we start the cycle with meds and what not.  This cyst is a bit different, it seems that this cyst was secreting hormones so cycle canceled.  At first I was a little sad because it meant a very unlikely chance that this cycle would be THE cycle and then I realized that I needed a mental break soooo badly that I wanted to cry!  So I went home and had a glass of wine, Qdoba, and went to bed early.  It was amazing.  So here I am waiting for this cycle to be over so I can start the next one and I got to thinking...maybe I should work on me a little bit.

Here is what working on me entails: allowing my mind to relax to the point where I can actually take care of me, working on my fitness which mean walking on the treadmill at least 3 times a week and actually doing the sit ups that I promise myself I will do everyday, this also means that I will be working on talking to God everyday.  This whole process of trying to become parents and miscarrying and being sad about my body image has made it very difficult to talk to God.  I feel like God has left me (I know this is not true because I know that God will never leave me...that if I feel alone it's because I have walked away from Him). 

So here goes, here's to working on ME!