Infertility Awareness and Infertility Etiquette

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

This week is National Infertility Awareness week.  There are so many couple who have difficulty getting pregnant.  I don't know how many people actually read my blog, but I hope that this will give you some insight as to the emotional roller coaster that a lot of couples go through as they are trying to conceive.  This is often a very painful and very emotional journey for couples and I hope to make more people aware of this struggle so people can be more sensitive and supportive instead of saying stupid things like 'just relax, it will happen'  While we are on the topic here is a website about infertility etiquette.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

It is well

On my wedding day I asked for the song 'It is Well' to be played as our recessional.  I gave my reasoning at the time as this, no matter what happens in our married life IT IS WELL with my soul.

Those words have been so true these past few months as we said goodbye to our first born son in August.  Even as my arms ache to hold our son and I feel like I will never be the same IT IS WELL with my soul.

IT IS WELL with my soul that Matt and I have struggled to have a baby
IT IS WELL with my soul that I lost a son.
IT IS WELL with my soul that I have not one but three autoimmune diseases
IT IS WELL with my soul that right after Matt and I got married he lost him job
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am blessed to have Matt as my husband
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am content to wait for God's timing
IT IS WELL with my soul that my body hates me some days
IT IS WELL with my soul that I have a job I love
IT IS WELL with my soul that I am who I am.  I believe fully that God made me to be who I am right now.

Matt and I have faced many challenges in our short marriage, some big challenges and some fairly minor, but through everything we have stood on the firm foundation of God.

I am learning to feel content with who I am and what God is teaching me.  I'm not a great student, but if you hit me in the head often enough I tend to pay attention.  Right now I am frustrated with how long it is taking me to heal from my surgery, but I know that my body just takes a little longer than the average person and I know that God will bless Matt and I with a child whether that be a child that I carry below my heart or a child that God places in our lives for Matt and I to love.

Progress

On March 14 Matt and I went to the reproductive endocrinologist to discuss possible reasons why it's been two years with one pregnancy and one miscarriage. During that appt. he asked lots of questions about my cycle and from that he determined that feeling like I want to vomit every time that I start my cycle wasn't normal. Huh, I've been like that almost every month since I started my cycle when I was 12 and thought I was just unlucky. It did get better when I was on birth control and the surprisingly it was better once I started on Enbrel for my RA. So he suggested that maybe taking a look inside my belly would be a good idea.

On April 9th he went in and looked at my belly and found endometriosis. He used a CO2 laser to get rid of the endometriosis and then blew out my tubes and scraped the lining of my uterus to see if maybe I had an infection from my miscarriage. So here I am stuck at home for a couple weeks and getting a little bored.

I have struggled with the idea of not mentioning that Matt and I are struggling to have a baby and I thought to myself that you know what, this is really a part of my life and it's really a struggle. Getting pregnant last year was a miracle and losing the baby was devastating. I've been trying to 'get over' my loss ever since that day where I saw nothing on that ultrasound.

I've asked God why, why did He take this baby from me, why did He give me a pregnancy only to take our son before we had a chance to meet him. I've asked God why it took so long to get pregnant the first time and why it's been 8 months since we lost our son and we haven't been able to get pregnant again. Why I had to have surgery and take a month off of actively trying to get pregnant. The answer I keep hearing in my head is 'It's not time, your time will come, trust in Me that I will give you the baby you so desire'

The words my father used to say to me when I was a small 'Patience child' are really coming back to haunt me. Ugh! Patience is a virtue that I really don't have. While I was pregnant I prayed that God would give me patience so that when our baby was born I would have the kind of patience a mother needs to care for her newborn and raise that baby without being quick to anger. I guess when I was talking to God about having enough patience for our baby so He took our son home because I wasn't ready.

I pray that I will be ready when God blesses me with another pregnancy. That I will be able to be the mother that our baby needs and that I will find joy in every stage of my child's life from conception to birth and beyond.

This TWW blows!

This week sucks! The first half of the two week window is always alright and now I question every little thing my body does that might be different than last month.

I had cramping in my uterus from 7dpo-9dpo and then today my pelvis feels like I have done a ton of sit ups. I'm so tired of over thinking everything! I questions if I tested at the right time for the opk's to trigger, I questioned if we had sex on the right days to catch the egg, and I question if I will ever get pregnant again.

I have wanted to be a mommy since I was 12 years old. I don't know what else to be, I know that I'm good at my job, but I want to be more. I want to be the person that when my child hears my voice they calm down and know that I'm his/her mommy. I want to be the person to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my child because they had a bad dream. I want to kiss boo boo's, I want to cry on his/her first day of school. I want to be the proud mama when my kiddo is on the honor roll. I want to celebrate when they get into the college they want. I want to celebrate when they get engaged. I want to see my parents hold my children and see the love in their eyes for my children like I see in their eyes when they hold my sister's and brother's kids.

My TWW

So far in my TWW I have accomplished two things. I have tried two new recipes! The first recipe was: Crab Rangoon Dip

http://www.recklessabandoncook.com/2011/03/crab-rangoon-dip.html

It was alright, I would change a couple things. First I would only add a touch of powdered sugar and double the garlic and it needs a touch of spice. Nothing I had in my cupboard smelled right.

I made my second of three new recipes tonight.

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2011/09/skinny-baked-broccoli-macaroni-and.html

It's currently in the oven now and smells wonderful! I'm so excited, I've been trying to eat healthier for awhile now but I don't like salads and I wish that I did.

Ah yes, the TWW

So the time comes again where I am in the two week window. The time between ovulation and that hopefully positive pregnancy test. I find myself getting excited over every twinge in my pelvis and every symptom that could be pregnancy.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed when my unwanted friend shows up. So this month I'm trying something different. I'm going to start myself a Bible study. I went to the Christian book store today and got a new devotional! Proverbs 31 woman. I so want to be the 'perfect' wife for Matt because well...he super cute and I'm a lucky girl to have him. So here goes...here's to two weeks filled with God's presence and hopefully a positive pregnancy test and healthy pregnancy.

Here is my goal list for this two week window:

1. Start new Bible study

2. Finish my blanket

3. Exercise at least 3-5 days a week for 30 min.

4. Find at three new recipes to try

5. Clean house!

Heartbreak

Today marks 6 months since I miscarried our son.  Today is also would have been my grandmothers 93rd birthday.  I am finding today that I wish I could just talk to Grandma for 10 minutes.  Just to hear her say, 'It's going to be alright'.  I know in my head that God will always provide for my needs and I trust that that is true.  My heart is taking a little longer to catch up though.  Today as I was driving back from Ft. Collins I was listening to two songs and tears came to my eyes as I heard God's promises through them.  The first song was 'I Will Rise' by Chris Tomlin.  I'm not a Chris Tomlin fan but I love this song.


This is the chorus:
And I will rise when He calls my name 
No more sorrow, no more pain 
I will rise on eagles' wings 
Before my God fall on my knees 
And rise 
I will rise 


Some day when I get to heaven there will be no more sorrow and no more pain.  I will have a new shiny body that doesn't hurt and doesn't swell and I will meet my son.  Until then I have the promise to stand on.


The other song I was listening to was 'Praise You in This Storm' by Casting Crowns.  I loved this song when it first came out, but after my miscarriage this song took on a whole new meaning.


I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

This song reminds me that even when I am in the midst of a storm, God is still with me.  Even when I feel like God has left me He's with me and I CAN praise Him through this storm and I CAN lift my hands because He has never left me.