Blah!

I'm way overtired and that is making me very emotional!  Feeling sorry for myself and wishing that things were different, that I'd decided my major sooner, that I'd have starting trying to have kids sooner, that my body was healthier and didn't swell and hurt all the time.  I know this is all in God's plan but it's so hard to keep running a race where the only thing you know for certain is that in the end you will go to heaven.

I've been working far too much this week and my body is protesting very loudly in the fact that my normal morning swelling that goes down after an hour or so is not going down.  My body is tired and my mind is getting cranky.

I wonder if I will ever have a child that has my DNA.  I believe that God is much much bigger than my uterus and that God can give Matt and I a child if it's in His will. 

I actually walked out of my work break room yesterday because people were talking about breastfeeding and their experiences with it.  I wanted to cry.  Then I was angry with myself for being bitter that other women were able to have children and that they had the opportunity to breastfeed.  I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to be angry.  I pray that if God chooses that Matt and I are not to have children that He takes the desire away from us.  I don't understand why I have this desire if so far nothing has worked to help us get pregnant. 

I'm bummed that I missed church on Easter Sunday (one of my favorite holidays) because I had to work.  I'm sure that the families we helped that day are thankful that I missed church to be there...I just feel like it should have been my turn to re-charge, my turn to praise God for sending His son to die on a cross with my sin on His shoulders.  Then I remember that I have that opportunity each day to thank God for that sacrifice and to praise God for salvation.

There are days upon days where I just feel numb to the world around me and then there are days, like today, where I feel so emotional and I just want to retreat from the world a bit.  Maybe I haven't dealt with our failed IVF attempt.  I cried for two days, I retreated to just Matt and me for two days and then had a wonderful family vacation where I was able to cry to my mom and dad.  I feel like the failed IVF was a bump in the road and not a complete roadblock. 

Anyhow, I've been rambling so I should stop now and think about heading to bed.  It's already been a long week and I have to work a bit tomorrow.  My brain feels fried, my body is beat but I need to learn this new charting system since we go live this weekend.  Thankfully I'm getting a facial on Friday and a deep tissue massage on Sunday...I'm literally counting the hours!