Thus far

Eighteen days ago I lost our first child. I had some inkling that I was going to miscarry but I hoped that I wouldn't. The moment I found out I was pregnant was before I went to work on July 14. I called Matt and asked him to come home. He guessed right away that I was pregnant. We were excited and scared because at the time we didn't know if I would ever be able to conceive. We were scared because we weren't expecting to conceive and weren't sure how my body would react to it.

After I got over the initial shock of being pregnant I started to be more excited. I immediately looked at my diet and made sure that I was eating good healthy food to help our little bean grow to be a strong child.

When I was about six weeks along my doctor did an ultrasound to confirm intrauterine pregnancy and to see what we saw. We saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac but no fetal pole. Not terribly concerning because I wasn't exactly six weeks. I started to bleed about a week later and called the doctor who wasn't terribly concerned because it wasn't bright red. A few days later I started to bleed, I knew what was happening and I was crushed. I prayed for strength to endure what was happening, I prayed for a miracle, and I prayed for God's will on our child.

After I lost our son, I believed that he was a boy from the moment I found out we were pregnant, I sobbed. I felt so empty without our small bean growing in my womb. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. My dream died when our baby died.

Now I'm frightened to try again because what if the same thing happens? What if I'm not able to carry a baby to term and will never have a child of my own.

I know that losing our baby was in God's plan, but it still hurts. I had asked God to draw me closer to Him and if this is the way that he is giving me what I asked for then so be it. I will give praise to the maker of heaven and earth for letting me conceive and carry a child if only for a few weeks.